| Series | Countries | Live Scores | Fixtures | Results | News |
Features
|
Photos | Blogs | Statistics | Archive | Video & Audio | Games | Mobile | |||||||||||||||||||||
Andy Zaltzman was born in obscurity in 1974. He has been a sporadically-acclaimed stand-up comedian since 1999, and has appeared regularly on BBC Radio 4. He is currently one half of TimesOnline’s hit satirical podcast The Bugle, alongside John Oliver (The Daily Show with John Stewart). He also writes for The Times newspaper, and is the author of Does Anything Eat Bankers? (And 53 Other Indispensable Questions For The Credit Crunched).
Zaltzman’s love of cricket outshone his aptitude for the game by a humiliating margin. He once scored 6 in 75 minutes in an Under-15 match, and failed to hit a six between the ages of 9 and 23. He would have been ideally suited to Tests, had not a congenital defect left him unable to play the game to anything above genuine village standard. Aged 21, when fielding at deep midwicket, he dropped the same batsman three times in fifteen minutes, and has not been selected by England before or since
Zaltzman’s World Cup blog is here
« Facts + maths = truth | | This was my Geraint-at-Edgbaston moment »
December 11, 2008
Posted by Andy Zaltzman on 12/11/2008
Everything points to an England win
 | ||
|
| ||
|
|
|
Cricket makes a welcome return to the world of cricket today with the beginning of two Test series. As I write, the loser-takes-all New Zealand v West Indies clash has just begun, with bragging rights as Test cricket’s second most useless team up for grabs. Shortly, and thankfully, the India-England series will commence. With their total lack of preparation, chaotic travel arrangements, almost complete absence of public expectation and rampantly in-form opposition, it now seems inconceivable that England can do anything other than win. Everything is stacked in their favour.
Allow me to explain. Preparation is overrated. Before the 1954-55 Ashes series, England began their tour with a two-day match followed by six four-day matches. Hutton’s men must have been primed for first-Test action in a way of which a modern team’s management and backroom staff could only dream. If such an elongated build-up were possible in today’s hectic cricketing age, dressing-room laptops would be exploding with excessive analysis.
When the real action finally began, however, England promptly conceded 601-8 to Australia’s batsmen, before losing a high-class top four of Hutton, Simpson, Edrich and May for just 25, and eventually being comprehensively drubbed by an innings and 154 runs. Even a highly-trained 21st-century coach would have struggled to take many positives from a defeat like that – “the boys have learnt not to bother building up for matches,” he might have said. “It’s a valuable, money-saving lesson for future tours. We should have listened to Compton.” (England did admittedly recover to win the series 3-1. But they would have won 5-0 if they had pitched up two days before the first Test and winged it.)
|
| ||
|
| ||
|
|
|
Alastair Cook will also testify to the futility of advance planning and acclimatisation. On his surprise Test debut on England’s last tour of India in March 2006, he scored 60 and 104 not out, thriving due to having endured two gruelling days of travel, and having no time to adjust to subcontinental conditions.
In fact, given Cook’s relatively mediocre recent form – an average of 37 and just one century in his last 17 Tests, compared with a 48 average and six hundreds in his first 17 – there is an argument that the young Essex opener should forcibly bundled onto an aeroplane and flown around for 15,000 miles before every match. Ideally, he should land on an airstrip near the stadium three minutes before the start of play, handed a bat, and ushered out to the crease before he has the chance to start worrying about all the different ways you can edge a drive into the slips without moving your feet.
Furthermore, the fact that virtually no-one expects England to win, and few will criticise them even if they are soundly beaten, may work in their favour. It should enable them to play with a freedom which they have arguably lacked since winning the Ashes in 2005 raised their supporters’ expectations to total and utter world domination, and which they have certainly lacked since implausibly pulling one of the great defeats from the jaws of a comfortable draw at Adelaide in 2006.
And finally, India may just have beaten Australia, but when they last did so in the legendary 2000-01 rubber, they followed it up by drawing with Zimbabwe (let me repeat that: drawing, with Zimbabwe), and then losing their next two series. Whereas the last time England lost to South Africa (1999-2000), they responded by winning their next four series. England, statistically as well as practically, cannot lose.
|
|||||
Posted by: redneck on 12/11/2008
gold! cant argue with that logic! and its statisticly proven? also love the bit about new zealand v west indies at the start. gold!
Posted by: Krishna on 12/11/2008
Hidden in your 'usual' is an essential and ancient Truth--defeats are generated automatically by hyperbole and excessive data. May I suggest that henceforth ECB and maybe even ICC plan the FTP in such a way that one-test series are conducted in Brazil this week and Tokyo the next;Timbuktoo followed by Nevada and so forth. After 4 years they can challenge Ian Wright in the Discovery of as yet unknown lands & climes.
Posted by: Aashish on 12/11/2008
priceless, impeccable logic ! hard to refute this when Strauss has already scored a century and Cook 52. I must say Andy, ol' chap, you've got it right on the button !
Posted by: Felix on 12/11/2008
You have been proved right! ^_^
Andrew Strauss and Alaistar cook had little or no match practice in the ODI tour and they were the only English Batsmen to perform well on the first day of the first test. Collingwood, Pietersen and Bell, who played 5 ODI's before the tests, enough to get them used to the Indian Conditions, fared badly (Collingwood was unlucky though)!
Posted by: rcokz! on 12/11/2008
Only statistics that matter is averages...rest are crap
and England will lose for sure!
I cant see any other team lose the sound platform given by its openers on first day flat wicket!
Posted by: Balkrishna on 12/11/2008
by the way what happened to australia and south africa after their previous losses to india and england respectively :-)
Posted by: Prakash on 12/11/2008
Man, I see you as a Potential coach for India next summer. Keep up the good work...
Posted by: Shilp on 12/11/2008
Hahaha...funny, but not very convincing. By this logic, England MUST lose everything between now and the Ashes, go there completely unprepared and shock the world by being competitive (winning it is a bit stretched, EVEN with this logic)! :P
Posted by: ravi on 12/11/2008
those comments are so stupid and ridiculous, it is so stupid and farfetched i am starting to think when he says everyting points in an england win he is being sacastic
Posted by: Sidney on 12/11/2008
Well deduced Ravi. You must be related to Sherlock Holmes.*
* Note to Ravi, this is also sarcasm.
Posted by: Meldrew on 12/11/2008
Sarcasm? In a humorous blog Ravi? You must be mistaken. I don't belieeve it.
Posted by: knit-in on 12/11/2008
Ever heard of something called satire, my friend?
This column is always a hoot. :-D Thank you!
Posted by: Mat on 12/11/2008
Well spotted, Ravi.
Posted by: Ska on 12/11/2008
Whatever!! Made good reading.
Posted by: Ska on 12/11/2008
Whatever!! Made good reading.
Posted by: John on 12/11/2008
you are the man, ravi
Posted by: Shak on 12/11/2008
Uhh did you just get that Ravi? Andy is obviously a satarist giving his own twisted view of the game. I like it very much and would ask him to continue his good work. Hell he even predicted what would happen. The only two batsmen without match practice actually score runs. Well done Andy.
Posted by: Hemant Gandhi on 12/11/2008
World needs 'lots' of Andy...
Keep going fella....
Posted by: saurabh somani on 12/11/2008
ravi, you must be sherlock holmes reincarnated.
andy and sarcasm? wow! did not see that one coming!
btw, great piece as usual andy!
Posted by: Nitin on 12/11/2008
lol...yay for comedy
Posted by: Tushar on 12/11/2008
Good one mate.
When I heard last, BCCI had an opening for a consultant. Why don't you apply?
Posted by: fardoc on 12/11/2008
Good doosra, Ravi!
Posted by: saurabh on 12/11/2008
Andy, you are not quite on the same level your namesake the Legend from WI Mr.Roberts but you sure are reaching there with your satire :)
Posted by: 112211de on 12/12/2008
hey shak mayb andy is not being satirical:
Posted by: Shak 13 hours, 27 minutes ago
Uhh did you just get that Ravi? Andy is obviously a satarist giving his own twisted view of the game. I like it very much and would ask him to continue his good work. Hell he even predicted what would happen. The only two batsmen without match practice actually score runs.
and it continues.....
Posted by: hipocrites in a humor blog on 12/12/2008
The initial part on WI-NZ series is devine could not control my laugh.
yeah ok and now it seems the latest rule in this blog is to act touch on this poor bloke 'Ravi' and be noted as a respected regular of andy's funny blog. Wow thats a lot of goat herd there in you blog funnyman.
Posted by: Sridhar on 12/12/2008
What a prescient article, I must say! Congrats to England, the way they have got on top in the first 2 days
Posted by: Shak on 12/12/2008
Yeah maybe he wasn't. 2 days have gone by and everybody with match practice, on both sides, have failed. Andy isn't a satirist, he is god. :)
Posted by: Nampally on 12/12/2008
Not so fast Sir. As Yogi Berra said "it isn't over till its over". Day 3 might hold surprises for England and India could easily reverse the tables.Lets Go Dhoni/India!.
Posted by: James on 12/13/2008
Well England could well have a bit of the dark horse about them, good on them for going, it speaks volumes about cricket building bridges of international friendship.
Posted by: R Sivasubramaniam on 12/13/2008
Hi Andy
I wish I had taken your predictions seriously, could have made a fortune.
What is your forecast for the Mohali Test?
Siva from Singapore
 |
| Post your comment | |||
|
|
The Confectionery Stall
Have a question you want to put to Andy Zaltzman? A recommendation you’d like to pass along to him? A request for a Zaltz Stat? A topic you’d like to see him tackle? Send it in here
Categories
- Ashes
- Australia
- Australia in South Africa, 2011-12
- Bangladesh
- Champions Trophy
- DRS
- Decade review
- England
- England in Bangladesh 2010
- England in India 2011-12
- England in South Africa, 2009-10
- England in UAE 2011-12
- England in West Indies, 2008-09
- ICC World Twenty20
- India
- India in Australia 2011-12
- India in England 2011
- India in the West Indies 2011
- Indian Premier League
- Match-fixing
- Miscellaneous
- Multistats
- Numbers
- Pakistan
- Pakistan in England 2010
- Pakistan v Australia, 2010
- Q&A
- Sehwag
- Shootout in Lahore
- South Africa
- Sri Lanka in England 2011
- Sri Lanka in India 2009
- Tendulkar
- Test cricket
- Umpiring
- West Indies
- West Indies in England, 2009
- World Cricket Podcast
- World Cup 2011
- XIs
Recent Posts
Archives
Explore Page 2
