| Series | Countries | Live Scores | Fixtures | Results | News |
Features
|
Photos | Blogs | Statistics | Archive | Video & Audio | Games | Mobile | |||||||||||||||||||||
Andy Zaltzman was born in obscurity in 1974. He has been a sporadically-acclaimed stand-up comedian since 1999, and has appeared regularly on BBC Radio 4. He is currently one half of TimesOnline’s hit satirical podcast The Bugle, alongside John Oliver (The Daily Show with John Stewart). He also writes for The Times newspaper, and is the author of Does Anything Eat Bankers? (And 53 Other Indispensable Questions For The Credit Crunched).
Zaltzman’s love of cricket outshone his aptitude for the game by a humiliating margin. He once scored 6 in 75 minutes in an Under-15 match, and failed to hit a six between the ages of 9 and 23. He would have been ideally suited to Tests, had not a congenital defect left him unable to play the game to anything above genuine village standard. Aged 21, when fielding at deep midwicket, he dropped the same batsman three times in fifteen minutes, and has not been selected by England before or since
Zaltzman’s World Cup blog is here
« 'Sehwag eats man-eating lions' | | England possess the precious nectar of momentum »
December 3, 2009
Posted by Andy Zaltzman on 12/03/2009
Crimes against bowling humanity
| ||
Virender Sehwag, not for the first time in his extravagant career, stands on the cusp of history. To break Brian Lara’s Test innings record, the Delhi Devastator needs another 117 runs – equating to approximately 23 minutes’ batting at his standard scoring rate.
I speculated in my first World Cricket Podcast exactly what bowlers must feel when attempting to combat Sehwag on a good batting pitch. Suffice it to say that if this innings continues long into day three, the International Court of Human Rights may become involved, and the phenomenal Indian opener may find himself charged with crimes against bowling humanity.
For all the splendour Sehwag has once again given to the cricket-watching world, all record of this innings must be surreptitiously destroyed. What if impressionable young bowlers were to stumble upon evidence of the kind of abuse they may endure? What right-thinking parent would want their precious little baby bowler to grow up in such a heartless universe? Even bowling machines might refuse to bowl.
How cricket has changed. As a schoolboy, I was an opening batsman. Not a good opening batsman but an opening batsman nonetheless. And, more importantly, an excruciatingly tedious one. I viewed it as my specific responsibility not to score runs, and to not score them over as long a period as possible.
Steve Waugh used to talk of the “mental disintegration” of opponents. My approach to this task was to block full-tosses, leave wide half-volleys and pad up to long-hops until the opposition bowlers and fielders were on the verge of either tears or retirement. Sehwag embodies everything I could not even have imagined being possible as an opener.
In fact, cricketing orthodoxy at the time was such that a boy was expelled from my school for scoring a run-a-ball 50, bringing disgrace to the school’s proud cricketing tradition with his morally wanton strokeplay. That story is not true, but it might as well have been, so it’s staying in the blog. No arguments.
Sehwag may well break Lara’s record, but Angelo Mathews has already claimed his place in the record books, with the narrowest failure to score a century in Test history. Mathews was run out by approximately half a millimetre, after an agonising delay as the third umpire subjected the video footage to more intensive scrutiny than any piece of film since the JFK assassination.
Being out for 99 is a strange form of personal sporting failure − you have basically succeeded, but the moment of disappointment is all the greater than if you had in fact properly failed. And being run out for 99 adds a piquant element of avoidable silliness to the failure.
Mike Atherton suffered this partially abominable fate at Lord’s in 1993, when, turning for a seemingly simple third run, he was sent back by Mike Gatting, who had been temporarily transfixed by a supernatural vision of the world’s largest banoffee pie. Atherton slipped, Ian Healy Australianly whipped the bails off, and Gatting licked his lips, mumbling, “I have seen the future. And it’s covered in toffee and bananas.”
Steve Waugh became an associate member of the Missing Out On A Test Century Due To Between-The-Wickets Incompetence in spectacular fashion, in the Perth Ashes Test of 1994-95. Twin brother Mark was acting as runner for Craig McDermott, went for an imbecilic single, ran himself/McDermott out, and left Steve one run short of another scrawling on another honours board. What were the brothers thinking to each other as they trudged off? The official Confectionery Stall guess is as follows:
Mark: “That’ll teach you to make your Test debut four years before me.”
Steve: “Looks like I’ll be forgetting your birthday this year. I don’t care how easy it should be for me to remember it.”
Mark: “You’ve got to admit, it was objectively the funniest run-out in cricket history.”
Steve: “I’m going to tell Mum. You’re in trouble. I want my teddy.”
Mathews’ dismissal was the 67th time a batsman has been out for 99 in Test cricket, and the 14th time one has missed out on three-figure glory by virtue of being run out. Fourteen out of 67 – this is an extraordinary ratio, which illustrated the madness that can envelop the human soul when the tastily steaming baguette of personal triumph is within nibbling distance. Also, 20.9% of batsmen out for 99 have been run out – yet of the 59,237 Test dismissals that had occurred as of 5pm GMT on December 3, 2009, only 3.5% have been run-outs.
Batsmen on 99 are thus six times more likely to run themselves out (or, perhaps, have a sadistic team-mate run them out), than batsmen who aren’t already mentally picturing charging around with their arms in the air, kissing their helmets, waving their bats at any available camera, and cuddling the non-striking batsman.
There are statistics and there are statistics. And this statistic reveals the inherent nature of the human condition, and the potentially fatal pitfalls of personal ambition, as much as any play by Shakespeare. Arguably. Expect it to be on all school curriculums around the cricket-speaking world within months.
|
|||||
Posted by: Sumesh on 12/04/2009
This is one of the best reads I have come across, funny yet genuinely insightful. Great work.
P.S. the biography => LOL
Posted by: Junior on 12/04/2009
One funny article Andy..and soooo true too
Posted by: MaG on 12/04/2009
Its a great article..I thoroughly enjoyed the article like I enjoyed the monster's batting :)
Posted by: Rahul Pathak on 12/04/2009
WOW !
:)
Posted by: Cricket Humour Lover on 12/04/2009
Andy, You made me LOL full day y'day. It is funny and quite interesting article. I rate this article funnier than Andrews.
Please keep writing and make me LOL..
Posted by: V Manjunath on 12/04/2009
The piece on Mark n Steve Waugh is just hilarious man:) Loved it.Terrific piece of writing.keep it up man
Posted by: Vikum Rodrigo on 12/04/2009
I agree with Mr. Zaltman on this matter, there should be a treaty which states that a batsman cannot score more than 100 runs with a strike rate of more than 100.. Also if the batsman has known the bowler for more than a decade, they cannot score more than 1 boundary in an over in test cricket, as courtesy of their friendship.. what Shewag did to Murali was inhumane and cruel.. Shewag should be banned from test cricket if he continues to treat bowlers the way he does.. I like Chris Gayle's approach, he will score a quick 30 or 40 and give his wicket as an appreciation to all the loose balls bowled at him..
Posted by: anti-sehwag on 12/04/2009
There should be ICC meeting to set rules when Mr. Sehwag is to bat. Either allow bowlers to bowl at him 16 yards or have Shewag tie one hand behind his back before comming to crease. It is unfair to any bowler to be treated with such brutality. Let alone someone of Murali's caliber. Sublime form of this nature can only be attributed to supreme talent. This is mark of self-confidence that a player has when in purple patch. Although Sehwag seems to be in this mode for a very long time and is getting better at it as time goes by. Wait! That only happens with Wines!
Posted by: Suraj john on 12/04/2009
Andy at his best. One of the funniest articles I have read in recent times. Hilarious.Sorry Andy, Sehwag missed out.
Posted by: rahul on 12/04/2009
haha....extremely funny. keep it up.
Posted by: Imad on 12/04/2009
Well done Andy...finally a funny article after a long hiatus. Loved it.
Posted by: Mohsin on 12/04/2009
Sehwag is a genius, we should savor watching him play. He is the greatest opener in world cricket since Gavaskar. I say that as a Pakistan/England fan, so have suffered emotionally owing to him, but must be objective.
Overall, hilarious stuff Alan. Really nice read at 5am. :-)
Posted by: Amit Shah on 12/04/2009
Such articles from Authors like yourself, Harsh Bhogle, S Aga, Sambit Bal and so many others ensure that the richness of this game is conveyed so beautifully to fans like us. Just wanted to thank all of you for thinking just like we would want someone to, writing how we simply can't and creating an unexplainable sense of happiness about this great game.
Posted by: rupesh on 12/04/2009
Just got up and going thru cricinfo ...went thru this article ..and the tone for the day is set...thx
Posted by: Bilal Ahmed on 12/04/2009
Great piece! I literally laughed at the writer's description of his own "opening" days, "until the opposition bowlers and fielders were on the verge of either tears or RETIREMENT"! Hahaha!
That is hillarious!!
I marvel at the thought that has gone into this article, which even while maintaining its humour, sheds ample light on the batting genius of Sehwag. For Srilankan readers though it might be adding Zaltz to their injuries!
"Even bowling machines might refuse to bowl"!! Yes, that was the kind of batting we saw from Viru yesterday...and it would have been great to see him get to 300. Nevertheless...knowing Viru, he'll be the least perturbed about it, cos for him every innings is an opportunity to do that!
For the last 20 years I kept wondering what it would be like to be able to bat like Sachin. Throughout yesterday i kept wishing i had the talent to bat like Viru. And for the last 12-15 minutes now...I have been wishing I had the talent to write like Mr. Andy Zaltzman!
Posted by: VAIBHAV on 12/04/2009
Very funny and at the same time realistic column.
Posted by: Abhayan on 12/04/2009
Wow. This is a great addition to Cricinfo. Loved this piece of whimsy satire.
Posted by: Anonymous on 12/04/2009
andy at his witty best, wonderful
Posted by: Elayaraja Muthuswamy on 12/04/2009
Very Funny!!
Posted by: Lear on 12/04/2009
Oh man. Remind me never to read your blog when stoned. My laughing is starting to concern those around me.
Posted by: Bagapath on 12/04/2009
hilarious... loved it... keep them coming andy....
Posted by: deepa on 12/04/2009
Nice article, andy. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Posted by: Rohit Kumar on 12/04/2009
Hillarious bt at d same time informative as well.....especially d one stating no of dismissals in test cricket till date &percentage of run-outs as well.....Gr8 to read due to entertainment content involved...Hopefully u ll come out with many more like this!!!!!!!!Kudos
Posted by: David on 12/04/2009
When Shewag was out in the 290's, Statsguru put up a search revealing the 4 players out in the 290\s. One of them (M Crowe) was out for 299. A further search reveals that a 5th player ended the innings on 299; Don Bradman was not out for 299 - and the 10th man was runout, leavng him just short of (another) triple hundred!
Posted by: vadivel on 12/04/2009
hey mate u make the great things very simple and funny
Posted by: Om Parkash Arora on 12/04/2009
Well done Sehwag. Your this inning is a rememberable inning. You are a genuise of Indian Cricket.
Posted by: Pankaj Kasana on 12/04/2009
How can you be so amazingly funny man!!! I'll have to learn this art(???)to get a girlfriend..:P
Awesome article, more appetite for your next..
Posted by: Anand on 12/04/2009
Hilarious! well written, much needed dose of relevant humor amidst murder-by-stats. although some astounding observations about propensity of batsmen to be run-out on 99. Thank you, enjoyed it!
Posted by: Srivenu Paturi on 12/04/2009
Hilarious, just hilarious... almost got chocked laughing....! How on earth do u get these crazy ideas. You should donate your brain for a research institute... and it may end up along side of that of Einstein's.
Posted by: Wajid Khan on 12/04/2009
Yo Andy :)
You ROCK!
Posted by: Russel Kothari on 12/04/2009
Hey Andy... Just heard your podcast, and this is also your first article I've read, and thoroughly enjoyed both. Keep the whimsiness going... I guess Sehwag did by getting out in the 290s!
Posted by: Donald on 12/04/2009
I found this edition of 'The Confectionery Stall' to be even more amusing and enjoyable than usual. I liked how it did not rely heavily on statistics as previous editions have - though there was a bit towards the end.
Posted by: Rahul J on 12/04/2009
thanks a ton for starting the world cricket podcast... thanks andy.
have been wanting it for so long...
Posted by: Karthik on 12/04/2009
Hilarious!! Loved the Gatting story. Nice one Andy!!
Posted by: fortheloveofcricketbaby on 12/04/2009
Hahahahaha- that was for yesterday's podcast
Hahahahaha- for the run out stats.
good going Andy
Posted by: Ariz Khan on 12/04/2009
Hey Andy,
There is one mistake. The number of times batsmen dismissed on 99 is 74. Which also brings down other % and ratios to 18.9 and 5.4, still higher.
Just as I am writing this there was one test between england and pakistan in 1973 where 3 players were dismissed on 99.
Angelo was out on 99 before scoring his maiden hundred (really agonizing), it would be interesting see how many before him have suffered this fate!
Best
Ariz
Posted by: blessen on 12/04/2009
this is such a nice article....very true..sehwag is very unique...
Posted by: Pradeep on 12/04/2009
Hilarious as always Andy!
Posted by: avin on 12/04/2009
Witty as it can get,it was a nice read.
Sehwag being charged by the international court of human rights is really hilarious imagination and to top it all the fanciful conversation of the waugh brothers is rib tickling.I thoroughly enjoyed it :)
Posted by: Martin Vengadesan on 12/04/2009
You are a fantastic writer ... with new classic lines ... Gatting's pies, the squabbling Waughs and this one:
Batsmen on 99 are thus six times more likely to run themselves out (or, perhaps, have a sadistic team-mate run them out), than batsmen who aren’t already mentally picturing charging around with their arms in the air, kissing their helmets, waving their bats at any available camera, and cuddling the non-striking batsman.
Posted by: adrian on 12/04/2009
Mmm! Banoffee Pie! (yum)
Posted by: critek on 12/04/2009
Interesting statistics on number of runouts. Would the 3.5% of runouts otherwise would change, if you remove scores under 5. Chances are people who score less than are not likely to be runout ?
Posted by: kiran on 12/04/2009
Awesome article!!! I enjoyed it mate!!
Posted by: Rohan on 12/04/2009
Andy,
I am a huge fan of your tidbits on Cricinfo. This is the funniest description of the happenings in third India Vs SL test. Sehwag may as well be tried in and bowlers all around the world would hate him to no limit.
Keep writing ;)
Cheers.
Posted by: Sri lankan on 12/04/2009
This Test match is not fare game. Lots of errors from umpairs. Even India wins this match it whould not be good for game
Posted by: Sri lankan on 12/04/2009
This Test match is not fare game. Lots of errors from umpairs. Even India wins this match it whould not be good for game
Posted by: vinay on 12/04/2009
This is truly an amazingly hilarious article! One of the best pieces of satire for me :) thanks a lot for that :)
Posted by: Sami Khan on 12/04/2009
I must read your articles more often. You are sort of like a heavily refined Russel Peters in print, no offense intended. Enjoyed it thoroughly, especially the probable involvement of the ICHR bit.
Posted by: Jayesh on 12/04/2009
We have not yet seen the various incarnations of God. There r so many things possible with the bat only he can show.
Posted by: Karthik on 12/04/2009
Not just from bowler;s perspective, the game appears to have slowed down extremely upon his dismissal when batsmen even continue to score at more than 4 an over.
Posted by: Karthik on 12/04/2009
Not just from bowler;s perspective, the game appears to have slowed down extremely upon his dismissal when batsmen even continue to score at more than 4 an over.
Posted by: Mayur N on 12/04/2009
"cuddling the non-striking batsman"... ROFL!! Now we know why Sehwag was doing the 50-run dash from one milestone to another - Rahul Dravid! :-D
And the stats on run-outs at 99 were fascinating. Fact and wit woven together into a thoroughly entertaining piece. Take a bow Andy!
Posted by: alagappan on 12/04/2009
'human rights commission'-that was superb mate...amazing...would have been more interesting with relatively less no of facts.....
Posted by: satish on 12/04/2009
awesome article.. you rocked it Andy !.
Posted by: Rahul on 12/04/2009
Knowledgeable yet funny. Nice work. Stay away from Gatting.
Posted by: Abu on 12/04/2009
One of the best hilarious article.
Posted by: Ben on 12/04/2009
wasnt really funny to be honest. good on statistics, but i didnt find it nearly as funny as everyone else here seems to think. maybe because im an aussie i cant really appreciate the dry british humour here
Posted by: mijanul akbar on 12/04/2009
Congrats shewag for a brilliant knock.
As for the article: First you change the rules, then you suger coat the stat and finally you take a dig at the bowlers. That is where test cricket now stands. Just reversing ONE rule, bringing back no count bouncers per over, we will see where the Bowling humanity stands. Heck make the pitches a sporting a little. Trigger happy players will perish like moths running in to fire. We will find out who is over-rated and has flawed technique. Parnel, Aamer, Southe, Board heck even Rubel, Jarvis will terrorize the soft batsmen.
Posted by: mukund kedia on 12/04/2009
humourously sarcastic !!!
Posted by: Abhishek on 12/04/2009
Good work Andy!!!
As it was night in U.S, so could not watch the entire Sehwag innings. But, whatever I could watch was breath-taking. He never fails to entertain. He is a class act and this was a hilarious article.
Cheers!!!
Posted by: Ahsan on 12/04/2009
just awesome! keep em coming.
Posted by: Sriram Iyer on 12/04/2009
Mr Zaltzman
I have never laughed so hard reading an article about cricket. What a great sense of humor you have.
The imaginary conversation between the Waugh brothers was the highlight.
Please keep writing.
Posted by: Steve Waugh on 12/04/2009
This is a really bad article
Posted by: Arvind on 12/05/2009
Nice article, Andy. Andy's career as an opening batsman? That was very funny. "Not a good opening batsman, but an opening batsman nonetheless." Steve Waugh would be highly embarrased when he hears about your version of "mental disintegration".:D
You forgot to touch upon one thing, however. Sehwag understands the perils of 99, so he often skips that dangerous number, and goes straight from 94 to 100 (or 95 to 101, etc...)
Posted by: Rome on 12/05/2009
Lara's record still stands my friend. Heard the proverb" Don't count your chickens before they're hatched". You and Sanjay were almost predicting such but Sehway did not have the fortitude this time. I like your style of writing and your facts and love your articles. I would have given this one an A plus but for the opening paragraph. Thanks and keep up the good work!!
Posted by: bvdr on 12/05/2009
Read a lot on Net but this stands out. Truly amazing. Funny presentation that will serve as a tonic for even people in depression. Good.....Very Good...
Posted by: Pritesh on 12/05/2009
One of the best article I have ever read on Cricinfo..Keep it up
Pritesh
Washington DC
Posted by: achintya on 12/05/2009
the innings was so well crafted and a treat to everybody.
Thanx Viru:)
Posted by: Shahid on 12/05/2009
You are not funny at all and.. I don't count Sehwag for a batsman.
Posted by: Anonymous on 12/05/2009
Awesome Andy
Posted by: Ramesh on 12/05/2009
I'm a fan of viru. i was obviously disappointed when he missed out 300 but i'm very confident that he'll score atleast a couple more 300's in his career. good article mate.
Posted by: Geoff Fosberry on 12/06/2009
Nice Article, quite refereshing!!! but would we be blowing this out of proportion if the game was played on fast and bouncy tracks such as in Australia ? all indian cricketers are tigers in their own backyards, with an exception to SRT !
Posted by: Sri Divi on 12/06/2009
Hey Andy!! Ur article is simpy awesomest one i have ever seen.. waiting for more of them.......... :P
Reading was never so much fun that tooo in this cricket blog .....
Seems like you have meddled with their past, present and future of cricketers here... but it was a real gooood article.
Posted by: Sanjex on 12/06/2009
G8 article.... Specially thd satires!
Posted by: pickdj on 12/07/2009
"I want my teddy!!" Hilarious.My morning coffee nearly came out the wrong way :)welcome back andy
Posted by: Anand Gadhavi on 12/07/2009
@Geoff,
For your kind information Sehwag has scored 151 of 234 balls and 195 of 233 balls against a good aussie attack at Adelaide and Melbourne...has scored two centuries in ODI's against kiwis on vicious tracks.... Check his records first and than come and write somethin here...
Posted by: Varun on 12/08/2009
'Even bowling machines might refuse to bowl'
That's funny. Nice article.
Posted by: Sanchit on 12/10/2009
Good one.....
But should be your last one...
go and try something in stats
Posted by: Sanchit on 12/10/2009
Good one.....
But should be your last one...
go and try something in stats
Posted by: Sanchit on 12/10/2009
Good one.....
But should be your last one...
go and try something in stats
Posted by: amit majumder on 12/11/2009
hello sehwag, i like your batting style very much.the way you hit the ball so beautifuly and so hardly thats why i like you.i am a cricketer too.so i try to follow your batting method.
Posted by: andy on 12/11/2009
crap article! as usual indian fans have no idea about cricket.. aussies going through rebuilding stage but are still better than india! what a joke that they are number one side? cant win away from home.. use to hear when aust hadnt one in india that they couldnt be true number one but once india get there well well well its a different story
Posted by: Kash on 12/13/2009
Hillarious ! good job n very interesting. I was very busy i generally dont read much but this article made me read by keeping my work aside. Bowling machines would also refuse to bowl ! hahaaaa this is creativity to the core
Posted by: shrey on 12/13/2009
funny and truth.....
 |
| Post your comment | |||
 |
|
The Confectionery Stall
Have a question you want to put to Andy Zaltzman? A recommendation you’d like to pass along to him? A request for a Zaltz Stat? A topic you’d like to see him tackle? Send it in here
Categories
- Ashes
- Australia
- Australia in South Africa, 2011-12
- Bangladesh
- Champions Trophy
- DRS
- Decade review
- England
- England in Bangladesh 2010
- England in India 2011-12
- England in South Africa, 2009-10
- England in UAE 2011-12
- England in West Indies, 2008-09
- ICC World Twenty20
- India
- India in Australia 2011-12
- India in England 2011
- India in the West Indies 2011
- Indian Premier League
- Match-fixing
- Miscellaneous
- Multistats
- Numbers
- Pakistan
- Pakistan in England 2010
- Pakistan v Australia, 2010
- Q&A
- Sehwag
- Shootout in Lahore
- South Africa
- Sri Lanka in England 2011
- Sri Lanka in India 2009
- Tendulkar
- Test cricket
- Umpiring
- West Indies
- West Indies in England, 2009
- World Cricket Podcast
- World Cup 2011
- XIs
Recent Posts
Archives
Explore Page 2
