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Andy Zaltzman was born in obscurity in 1974. He has been a sporadically-acclaimed stand-up comedian since 1999, and has appeared regularly on BBC Radio 4. He is currently one half of TimesOnline’s hit satirical podcast The Bugle, alongside John Oliver (The Daily Show with John Stewart). He also writes for The Times newspaper, and is the author of Does Anything Eat Bankers? (And 53 Other Indispensable Questions For The Credit Crunched).
Zaltzman’s love of cricket outshone his aptitude for the game by a humiliating margin. He once scored 6 in 75 minutes in an Under-15 match, and failed to hit a six between the ages of 9 and 23. He would have been ideally suited to Tests, had not a congenital defect left him unable to play the game to anything above genuine village standard. Aged 21, when fielding at deep midwicket, he dropped the same batsman three times in fifteen minutes, and has not been selected by England before or since
Zaltzman’s World Cup blog is here
« 'One-over cricket is the future' | | Thank you Sir Graeme Swann »
March 12, 2010
Posted by Andy Zaltzman on 03/12/2010
PCB joins surrealist art movement
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Another week, another dose of the crazy virus runs through Pakistan cricket − their two best batsmen banned indefinitely for bickering like schoolgirls (not the official PCB wording), two more seasoned internationals jettisoned for a year, Afridi on probation for mistaking the ball for a toffee apple, and the Akmals told off for being naughty. All of which will, apparently, “go a long way to arrest the continuing decline of Pakistan cricket and improve the state of cricket in Pakistan” (official PCB wording).
This may appear to the layman to be akin to claiming that chopping your arms off will improve your juggling, but, Pakistani cricket being Pakistani cricket, it might just work.
The PCB, making a bid to be the first sporting body to be fully accepted as members of the surrealist art movement (at least since the days when Salvador Dali was president of The International Melting Hedgehog Tennis Association), emphasised that Younis and Yousuf can be recalled “as and when the PCB deems appropriate”.
Given the consistency of its decision-making, this could easily be tomorrow, or never, or yesterday. It might even invent a new month in which they can play. Or say that there will be certain games in which the banned players are eligible to participate, but no-one else is. Or insist on certain stipulations before they are readmitted – Younis will be eligible to play, but only if he’s wearing a 1920s silk ballgown, while Yousuf will be selected on the strict condition that he agrees to do all the cooking and laundry for the rest of the squad, and reads Salman Butt a bedtime story every night. Afridi can play as long as he’s not in the stadium where the game is taking place, Shoaib Malik has to wear a Stetson when fielding, and the Akmal brothers will face a ban if at any time in the next two years they smile while batting.
Afridi, of course, gets into trouble with the frequency that most people get into their pyjamas. There are rumours that, as a controlled experiment, the PCB once locked Afridi alone in a secret dungeon for a month. When he emerged, the ICC gave him a three-match ban. No-one knows what it was for, but no-one seemed to think it was unjustified.
One can only feel sorry for Shoaib Akhtar – who would have thought it possible that the Rawalpindi Write-Off would miss out on the most explosive disciplinary action in Pakistan cricket history? He must be seething at the injustice of it all. “Why not me?” he must be shouting to the heavens. “What did I not do wrong?”
Clearly, the PCB know Pakistani cricket as well as anyone, and have worked out that cataclysmic upheaval is the most likely means of ensuring success in the imminent World Twenty20. The rest of the cricket world would already have been wary of Pakistan, following last year’s spectacular success in England, and their disappointing recent performances which suggested that an outbreak of form was lurking around the corner. Now, with a brutal cull of some of their leading cricketing icons, a team left leaderless, shorn of experience, and fearing for its future, they will be unbeatable.
I love Pakistan cricket. I love its passion, its panache, its style, its unpredictability, its power and vulnerability, and its superhuman capacity to explode and implode, often simultaneously. It would be nice, however, if its myriad excitements were let loose more often on the field of play than off it.
All of this somewhat overshadowed the heroic efforts of Raqibul Hasan to launch Bangladesh as a rival to Pakistan in the cricketing derangement stakes. Raqibul, 22, shocked the cricketing world by retiring before most of the cricketing world had even noticed he’d started playing. He had been picked in the squad for today’s first Test, and thus must have become the first sportsman in history to resign in protest at himself being selected.
This is a slight inconvenience for the home team, but not as much of an inconvenience as their historic inability not to be soundly demolished every time they take to the field of play.
However, this is be a more competent and confident Bangladesh team than its predecessors. When England last played Bangladesh, in 2005, the tail seemed to begin shortly before the openers walked to the wicket. Now, however, England’s injury-strewn bowlers will face a useful and improving batting line-up. Bangladesh’s batsmen have already equalled their record number of international centuries in a year – six (four in Tests, two in ODIs) – scored by five different players, against England, New Zealand and India. That is as many hundreds against the major international teams as they had managed in the previous four years.
The bowling, however, remains a problem. Bangladesh’s bowlers began this year by skittling (in Bangladesh terms at least) the mighty Indians for 243 in the first Test in Chittagong. However, in their five innings since then, they have seen their opponents declare four times, and the exception being when India’s openers heroically chased down a target of 2 to win in Dhaka.
Since Bangladesh were donated Test status, top six batsmen against them have averaged 58, and scored a century every six innings – which equates almost exactly to Garfield Sobers’ overall Test record. Which either means that every single top six batsman who has faced Bangladesh is as good as Sobers was, or that Bangladesh’s bowlers have been less good than those whom Sobers faced. Probably the latter.
Why then, you may well ask, are England even contemplating starting the match with only four bowlers, two of whom are Test novices, and one of whom was recently injured, as predicted yesterday by no less a source than Cricinfo’s official preview?
It would make close to 0% sense for England to select such a team, particularly given the following considerations:
1: England's strong tail – who, if the predicted line-up of Broad, Bresnan, Swann and Tredwell is correct, all average mid-20s in first-class cricket.
2(a): England have taken 20 wickets in just six of their last 21 Tests...
2(b): And they have bowled their opponents out twice just five times in their 27 overseas Tests since 2005 (28 if you include the 10-ball abandonment in Antigua a year ago, which seems a trifle harsh, as expecting a team to take 20 wickets in 10 balls, at an even-better-than-Waqar-at-his-peak strike-rate of 0.5 balls per wicket, is something even Kim Jong Il would not demand of the North Korean 1st XI) (and in any case England’s bowlers bowled none of those 10 balls).
3: Two of those bowlers have never played an overseas Test.
4: England are much more likely to need tall young fast bowler Finn than not-very-young top-order batsman Carberry in future Tests.
4 (subconsideration 1): Particularly next winter in Australia.
5: Bangladesh have bowled their opponents out twice just four times in their 64 Tests – twice against an understrength Zimbabwe, twice against a sub-understrength ‘West Indies’.
6: For all their laudable and promising recent improvement, Bangladesh have avoided defeat just nine times in 64 Tests – including three wins against weak opposition, plus four rain-affected draws.
7: Anything other than a victory would rightly be considered a failure.
7 (appendix A): And having forgotten to take their captain with them, they simply must win, or Strauss’ sabbatical will look even ruder and sillier than it is.
England should be strong enough to prevail in any case, but playing four bowlers would maximise their chances of not winning.
(As I finished writing this blog, with the game about to start, England announced their team, which does contain only four bowlers, but with Finn instead of Tredwell from the Cricinfo Prediction XI. Therefore, considerations 4 and 4 (subconsideration 1) no longer apply. And consideration 1 is very, very slightly moderated – if England find themselves in need of crucial runs from Swann at No. 10, I expect the ECB to be phoning the PCB for some advice on how to galvanise an underperforming team.)
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Posted by: Saad on 03/12/2010
Great sense of humor accompanied with good analysis. Hope Bangladesh pitch an attempt beyond their mediocrity (and all promises), and England play as good as your blog.
Posted by: Kieron on 03/12/2010
Ah Andy,
Statistical comedy genius yet again, in a manner that only the Zaltsmeister can muster. Bravo!
Especially loved section 2(b); it made me (if I may resort to age-belying text speak) LOL. Which did earn me a couple of odd looks across the lounge in Sydney airport. I did consider explaining the cause of my mirth, but quickly realised that the subject matter was not Australian in nature, so they wouldn't care. And that they were likely Australian, so they wouldn't understand anyway.
Keep up your rather chuckle-worthy work!
K.
Posted by: A.B. on 03/12/2010
Surely, it takes a special kind of talent to throw tantrums with a test batting average of 19! I am sorry I won't be able to tell my grandchildren about having seen Raqibul in full flow.
Posted by: Nitin on 03/12/2010
Amazing!!! Just laughed through the entire article. You have a gift Mr. Zaltzman.
Posted by: Srinivas on 03/12/2010
(Shoaid Akhtar)He must be seething at the injustice of it all. “Why not me?” he must be shouting to the heavens. “What did I not do wrong?”
Very very hilarious LOL
Posted by: vineet on 03/12/2010
"Surely, it takes a special kind of talent to throw tantrums with a test batting average of 19! I am sorry I won't be able to tell my grandchildren about having seen Raqibul in full flow."
:), as good a comment as the blog.
Posted by: Manasvi on 03/12/2010
Andy, I've always chuckled at the way your stats serve to enhance your humour rather than reducing it. Keep up the good work - this piece is one of your best, for sure.
" Younis will be eligible to play, but only if he’s wearing a 1920s silk ballgown, while Yousuf will be selected on the strict condition that he agrees to do all the cooking and laundry for the rest of the squad, and reads Salman Butt a bedtime story every night."
I can see Yousuf reading Arabian Nights to Salman Butt, who is dozing away and Younis in that ballgown dancing to one of Chopin's waltzes.
Posted by: zunaid on 03/12/2010
you are hilarious Andy. well done you have a great sense of humor, and a wonderful creative mind. Keep up the entertaining work.
Posted by: Deepak on 03/12/2010
Simply marvelous !!
1st time in my life i am posting a comment.
In india lingo - Andy is bindaas
Would love to chat with u one on one, Live in melbourne.
Look forward to the next article.
Posted by: sanketh kumar on 03/12/2010
dude, u shud put up a warning at the beginning.
"Do not read this in public, for u mite hav to laugh-out-loud".
Posted by: Scott on 03/12/2010
A sign of a truly hilarious article is when you find yourself laughing at the quotes in the comments section; quoting something in the article your just about to comment on- Good work, though sadly it would appear as though Bangladesh have started true to your statistical analysis- and perhaps more horrifyingly for us in the Antipodes- Pietersen would appear to be approaching form. Alas November is a long way away; something those who aren't selected to bat at #6 for Australia against the might of Kiwiland will bear in mind as they prey bedside for the nest six months for PCB style selection purge
Posted by: JJ on 03/12/2010
Must be related to that funny Helen Zaltzman, although her cricket gags are rubbish.
Posted by: Script Writer on 03/12/2010
Now, this is pure genius: "Afridi can play as long as he's not in the stadium where the game is taking place..." Mwaahaa!
Posted by: Ashley Thomas on 03/12/2010
Very funny, Pakistan Cricket is in tatters...
Posted by: Arvind on 03/12/2010
Bangladesh, eh? Who cares? All that matters is the Ashes. All these other matches are "match practice" for the Ashes. That is just how England is.
Posted by: John Magoosa on 03/12/2010
Keep it up Andy!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Anonymous on 03/12/2010
"...while Yousuf will be selected on the strict condition that he agrees to do all the cooking and laundry for the rest of the squad, and reads Salman Butt a bedtime story every night."
That was seriously funny. Keep up.
Posted by: marees on 03/12/2010
wow, the funniest lines come without any warning. as unpredictable as the Pakistan team. This one belowis a gem...
"There are rumours that, as a controlled experiment, the PCB once locked Afridi alone in a secret dungeon for a month. When he emerged, the ICC gave him a three-match ban. No-one knows what it was for, but no-one seemed to think it was unjustified."
GREAT WORK. KEEP IT UP andy.
Posted by: Vipul on 03/12/2010
I nearly missed out the most hilarious sentence of the article: 'Since Bangladesh were DONATED Test status...'. Truly amazing, as always...
Posted by: Fidel on 03/12/2010
sheer genius andy ... avid reader and this is one of your best ... keep up the great work.
Posted by: virgil weetabix on 03/12/2010
Last time I saw Andy Z was at the Edinburgh Festival . I had no idea he was a cricket buff
and he seemed totally absorbed in conspiracy theories.
What's he doing in BanglaDesh?
Posted by: jamie joseph on 03/12/2010
Absolutely the most HILARIOUS piece of cricketing humour Ive EVER read in my whole life!Only the Pakistanis and now it seems the Bangladeshis can end up providing enough fodder to let the Andy Saltzmans of this world rip!I swear I must have ripped an abdominal muscle guffawing in laughter! Carry on ANDY!
Posted by: Atul Bhogle on 03/12/2010
Andy, you are responsible for making my whole work floor think I'm a largely recluse guy giving into laughing fits about twice a week in the afternoons. Keep 'em coming!
Posted by: scorpio_on_blue_moon on 03/12/2010
Yeah, Akmal bros are the 'dual Monalisa' of cricketing world !!!
Posted by: tonyp on 03/12/2010
"It's a funny old game" doesn't even come close.
Simply fantastic article.
I think some attention should be dedicated to the hypothesis that England really need to dig deep if they're going to bridge the cricket-surrealism gap (more of a gulf really) that separates them from their opponents.
Limiting bowling options & the captain dropping himself are perhaps the first feeble glimmerings of English aspirations in this direction. To be followed by announcing different captains for each session & selecting Cirque du Soleil as 12th man.
Sensing the danger Bangladesh cannily robbed England of any momentum by batting first. You have to respect the totality of their commitment & the instincts of a veteran - responding early to distant threats.
Ultimately I think Pakistan & Bangladesh are on the right track. It's only a matter of time before hopelessly befuddled opposition teams lose track completely of who they're playing, where & in what format.
Posted by: obi wan kenobi on 03/12/2010
Arun ramachandran and alan tylers are a lot better than zaltzman-seriously you're not that funny Andy, you're standards have dropped
Posted by: Omar Khan on 03/13/2010
Shoaib Akhter......'One can only feel sorry for Shoaib Akhtar – who would have thought it possible that the Rawalpindi Write-Off would miss out on the most explosive disciplinary action in Pakistan cricket history? He must be seething at the injustice of it all. “Why not me?” he must be shouting to the heavens. “What did I not do wrong?'
hahaha.
you said it here first.
hilarious.
Posted by: Vijay on 03/13/2010
Andy, to improve the laugh-quotient, pl include Lalit Modi and his interview-giving penchant in all ur writings !
Posted by: Farhan on 03/13/2010
Hilarious take on Pakistan's latest =)
Posted by: blenheimfs on 03/13/2010
A masterly summary of England's muddled thinking in not selecting another bowler (spinner) to play a test match against Bangladesh. Time and again, those who make the decisions on the selection of the side, seem to be petrified at the prospect of not scoring enough runs and add another batsman or two at a time when a little imagination might have paid huge dividends. Although the ultimate result of this Test Match isn't in doubt, there are times in cricket when, in order to win a match, you need to risk losing it. Sometimes this can be through the selection policy before the match starts and by erring on the side of ultimate caution, the management have disappointed yet again.
Posted by: Abul Hasan on 03/13/2010
I alternate between smiling and laughing while reading his columns. What a fantastic sense of Humour. Keep up the excellent work. I look forward to more of it.
Posted by: Polonius on 03/13/2010
Great stuff as ever Andy.
But where's this week's Bugle? Are we going to see this kind of slacking regularly now that Tom has moved Antipodes-ward?
Posted by: scorpio_on_blue_moon on 03/13/2010
BTW, Andy, who's work is the Caricature of yours in the titles ? Love that !!! Can we have larger version of it ?
Posted by: desiforlife on 03/13/2010
Truly fantastic! Pak is the only country where board not only bans players but collects fines in millions from them. I am sure this again will "go a long way to arrest the continuing decline of Pakistan cricket and improve the state of cricket in Pakistan”.
What a country! How can I get Pak citizenship? lol
Posted by: Tigerprawneater on 03/14/2010
'Raqibul, 22, shocked the cricketing world by retiring before most of the cricketing world had even noticed he’d started playing'.Hahaha...Right on. When I first read the news of cricinfo, my first reaction was now who is this guy? I guess this paves the easiest way for cricketers from minnow nations to get fame...What next? Dabendewa Mugabe retires at the age of 19!
Hahaha...awesome Andy, keep 'em coming
Posted by: Naveed on 03/14/2010
As if Bangladesh desperately needed Andy's negative ranting! I think Andy forgot that age of first class cricket in Bangladesh is as old as its test status and this kind of comparison is nothing but waste of his time. Bangladesh is improving and one of the many proofs for that is Wisden presenting Shakib Al Hasan with Test Cricketer of the year 2009. There are other prospects in Bangladesh team including Tamim Iqbal, Mushfique Rahim, Mahmudullah Riyad who are all world class cricketer and can perform against any opposition. And did Andy take notice their age for once? All of them are under 22 years old! The average age of the current Bangladesh team is hardly 23 and they can easily qualify for an U23 cricket tournament. Yet they have played some good cricket for last one year, individually at least. Bangladesh U19 have gone to England and had beaten England U19 to clinch the series. BAN U19 also repeated the success against ENG U19 in home soil. That gives us the glimpse of the future.
Posted by: faruque on 03/14/2010
This is totally rubbish decision from PCB. Pak Govt. should have band PCB official rather then cricket players. They are banning 2 Y from International cricket.their two best batsmen banned ????? It is horrible to say. PCB themselves make unpredictable I can say.
They have to take an example from India as well other cricket board. How they developing their team. Still S.Tendulaker, R.Dravid and V.V.S L in Australia R.Ponting J.kalis SA and other old player is playing for their country.
Anyway It is really sad for their country and their fans.
Posted by: safiuddin on 03/14/2010
hahahahahaha shoaib was like '....if genital herpes doesnt get me banned, what will???!!!'...my two cents worth andy: all humorous articles will be considered short on their humor if the writer doesnt throw in some seriously laugh-inducing stuff about the number of ex-captains in a pakistan playingXI....
Posted by: irfan on 03/14/2010
Andy, WHO!
Posted by: fouad on 03/14/2010
Very well delivered. Even though a Pakistani me and my wife were laughing out loud on most of the sentences. Hahaha. I am posting your link on my face book for all to read.
Posted by: Shafiq on 03/15/2010
"I love Pakistan cricket. I love its passion, its panache, its style, its unpredictability, its power and vulnerability, and its superhuman capacity to explode and implode, often simultaneously. It would be nice, however, if its myriad excitements were let loose more often on the field of play than off it. "
Thanks Andy, for saying , the voice of our hearts....Very wel said in a true spirit. Thanks for caring about Pakistan cricket, i am afraid of the day when people will leave writing about us. (Shafiq from Pakistan Capital)
Posted by: M.I.Saeed on 03/15/2010
Well done Andy. It was sure fun reading your article. It is indeed a rare ablity to take up bizzare and serious situations with such positive descriptions. I seriously hope that the P.C.B. does not take it as a compliment and starts to put the house in order with some senseability. Having played cricket for more than 60 years ,we are yet to discover that its a team game. Never mind the erratic genious prorerties, some kind of order has to prevail, to avoid total disintegration.
Posted by: Adway on 03/16/2010
Look at your Logo... It reminds one of those that come printed on Wodehouse books that we get here in India. Some of the Jeeves, Mulliner logos look pretty similar to what you've got.
Coincidence? I don't think so. You've got his style alright.
Posted by: Marlo on 03/17/2010
was it supposed to be funny oh, i figured it out by going through the comments. Let me read it again.
lol if u wonder, i did play first class cricket in Pakistan
Posted by: ghazal on 03/20/2010
hahahahhahahahahah CLASSSICCCC
what are we doing to ourselves seriously pcb is either really really high on illegal substances or just genuinely stupid. brilliant article, can't write about pakistan cricket without a good sense of the absurd
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