Andy Zaltzman was born in obscurity in 1974. He has been a sporadically-acclaimed stand-up comedian since 1999, and has appeared regularly on BBC Radio 4. He is currently one half of TimesOnline’s hit satirical podcast The Bugle, alongside John Oliver (The Daily Show with John Stewart). He also writes for The Times newspaper, and is the author of Does Anything Eat Bankers? (And 53 Other Indispensable Questions For The Credit Crunched).
Zaltzman’s love of cricket outshone his aptitude for the game by a humiliating margin. He once scored 6 in 75 minutes in an Under-15 match, and failed to hit a six between the ages of 9 and 23. He would have been ideally suited to Tests, had not a congenital defect left him unable to play the game to anything above genuine village standard. Aged 21, when fielding at deep midwicket, he dropped the same batsman three times in fifteen minutes, and has not been selected by England before or since
Zaltzman’s World Cup blog is here
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May 18, 2011
Posted by Andy Zaltzman on 05/18/2011
Why Darren Sammy is the greatest bowler of all time
Mr Chamberlain: a believer in moustachioed men being all-round good eggs
© Getty ImagesAfter a prolonged sabbatical spent worrying about its future whilst watching its younger siblings charge around like banshees, Test cricket roared back into life with a low-scoring thriller between West Indies and Pakistan. Admittedly, that roar raised the age-old philosophical question: if something roars in an empty cricket stadium, and no one is there to hear it, does it still make a noise?
It was a gripping match of 19th-century-style scoring, played out in front of a 17th-century-style crowd, in a 21st-century-style stadium – nicely made but pointlessly remote. One day, a high-ranking scientist or Nobel Prize-winning genius will work out on a high-powered computer that if you build soulless modern stadiums, without history or character, far from civilisation, you may on occasion struggle to attract crowds to watch cricket in them. It will take a brain of formidable power to reach this conclusion, a thinker of rare perspicacity, who is prepared not only to think outside the box, but to set fire to the box whilst his head is still inside it to accelerate the thought process.
Low-scoring games have provided some of cricket’s all-time classics, from the umbrella-chewing mayhem of The Oval in 1882, when the 19th-century proto-Lillee, Fred Spofforth, demonised the Ashes into existence with brilliant bowling and an intimidating moustache, to England’s back-from-the-dead-but-with-hindsight-still-feeling-quite-ill World Cup group win over South Africa in Chennai in March.
Misbah’s 52 was the highest score in the Providence Test (which itself sounds like something the cricket community should insist wealthy tycoons pass before being allowed to land at Lord’s in a helicopter with a Perspex box full of cash). This is the sixth-lowest highest score, if that makes sense, in a completed Test match since the First World War, and enabled the game to narrowly avoid becoming only the third Test since the Second World War to produce a positive result without featuring any half-centuries.
The previous fifty-free Test was in Hamilton in December 2002, when New Zealand dismissed an Indian batting line-up containing Sehwag, Dravid, Tendulkar, Ganguly and Laxman for 99 and 154, with Daryl Tuffey taking 8 for 53 in the match. It seems scarcely conceivable now, and that sentence might read as if it has been generated by a seriously malfunctioning internet automatic translation programme trying to convert a Swedish recipe for salmon fishcakes into English, but it is in fact 100% true.
Before that, there had only been one other such match since before Neville Chamberlain was waving his piece of paper around, declaring “peace in our time” – a declaration that now looks dodgier than Hansie Cronje’s at the Centurion Test in January 2000, and proves that there was a precedent for high-ranking English officials being duped by confident men with moustaches long before the Stanford debacle. The game in question was Edgbaston 1981, when Botham swung England to victory by marmalising Australia’s tail, spreading them on toast, and eating them in one mouthful, with 5 for 1 in five overs of legend-solidifying brilliance.
There is something deeply engrossing about a match in which an innings of 25 is a potentially game-winning contribution rather than a frustratingly wasted start. I find there is also something nostalgic about such games, as they recall early school matches when runs were scarce and boundaries seemed like hypothetical barriers halfway to the horizon. In the second game I played, my school Under-9 team bowled out the opposition for 63. I remember thinking: “That is an imposing total. Not many teams in world cricket could hope to chase that down.” Despite the loss of totemic opening batsman Zaltzman, harshly adjudged bowled first ball, my school battled bravely, but fell short. Thirty-nine all out. A match-winning total in some games, but a 24-run thrashing on the day.
It ended with a good win for West Indies, and a personal triumph for Darren Sammy. West Indian cricket has had more false dawns than an insomniac schoolkid waiting nervously for his exam results to arrive in the morning post. The standard of Pakistan batting – historically, almost heroically, inept in their six Tests in England last summer, and little improved since then - means that we cannot be sure whether this is a genuine dawn, another bogus one, or just a car passing in the street outside with its headlights shining through the bedroom window. After all, the previous apparent new dawn for West Indies cricket, when Jerome Taylor skittled England like a tray of wobbly milk bottles in Jamaica in 2009, turned out barely even to be that. However, after a World Cup marked by brief periods of promise inevitably scythed down by an onslaught of incompetence, at least this was a welcome and hard-won victory, the highlights being Devendra Bishoo confirming his promise and captain Sammy sealing victory with his fourth five-wicket haul in Tests.
Sammy is not yet on many people’s Great Bowlers Of The 21st Century shortlist, but he now has more five-wicket innings notched into his bedpost than Andrew Flintoff, Colin Croft, Lasith Malinga or Stuart Broad, and the same number as Harold Larwood and Frank Tyson. He has played just 12 Test matches, in which he has taken more wickets than the legendary Picasso Of Pace, Malcolm Marshall, did in the equivalent period of his career. In fact, Sammy has taken as many five-wicket hauls in his first 12 Tests as Holding, Garner, Marshall, Ambrose and Walsh managed between them in their first 12 Tests. The logical conclusion to all this is that Darren Sammy is (a) the greatest and (b) the fastest bowler of all time. Ignore the speed gun. It lives only to deceive.
Extras
The ECB have announced that they are working on a new fourth format for international cricket to enable England to appoint a fourth captain. A spokesman explained: “Having three skippers is proving to be a nightmare – whenever we have an England Captains Table Tennis tournament, Strauss always insists on getting a bye directly into the final. This understandably causes resentment amongst the other captains. With four, we can either use a straight semi-final-to-final knockout structure, or a four-prong round robin followed by a first-versus-second final. It has to be resolved, and fast, before Cook and Broad start throwing their toys out of the pram.”
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Posted by: Maulik on 05/19/2011
Just another masterpiece from the totemic opening batsman Zaltzman...
England team does have the junior most 4th captain...
Strauss - Cook - Test
Cook - Broad - ODI
Broad - Bell - T20
so there are 4 captains in all :-)
Posted by: Jayesh on 05/19/2011
Aaaaaaaaand........... Aaaaandy's back
Posted by: Anonymous on 05/19/2011
OMG, The piece about illustration of Darren Sammy Figures takes the cake. LOL.
Posted by: Aditya on 05/19/2011
Beautifully written, more than ever! I have tears streaming down my face as I write this....
Posted by: ian wason on 05/19/2011
i recently stated that he has the best figures among current windies bowlers, and we in the caribbean tend to equate speed with ability, but sammy according to stats, is the windies best bowler in Tests
Posted by: James on 05/19/2011
I have lots of respect for Mr. Zaltzman, but to call Sammy the "greatest bowler of all time " is pure HORSE SHIT..
I would say the Pakistani batsman are the weakest of all time, because they can't play simple srtaight bowling..absolutely no swing.
Not a hater, but you definitely cross the line..Zaltzman.
Posted by: Reddy on 05/19/2011
Will Sammy continue even through his 'best; status? Probs not.
Posted by: albert severin on 05/19/2011
We must also compare sammy stats to Bravo in the same amount of test matches .i beleived sammy is a great allrounder and is proving himself to be a better allround than Bravo.i think the west indies took a great decision to appoint him as captain. I also want you to compare sammy stats to Ian Bishop in the same amount of test matches and send it to him before the end of the second test match .Bishop must stop destroying sammy. He must do his research as a commentator.
Posted by: Ramesh on 05/19/2011
well done Andy. I think you and to some extent Andrew are the only persons who make page 2 readable. Others desperately try to manufacture humour, it just has to come naturally.
Posted by: xxx on 05/19/2011
i think darren sammy wrote this
Posted by: Anonymous on 05/19/2011
Is this a joke! Darren sammy! A guy who hadly has pace to trouble any good batsman? Put him up against India batting line up and see what he does. Pakistan batting is struggling and Misbah is a waste as a captain. But please save this article as sammy shouldnt even make the WI team.
Posted by: victoria on 05/19/2011
Andy, you're the only human with the type of brain that can justify such jokes! On a serious note now, when you see Sammy bowl, you must wonder if any of those innoculus deliveries can ever produce a wicket! But his impeccable record proves otherwise! And, it is true testimony to the extremely poor quality of batting in international cricket for the past three-plus years. It is the reason why Sachin Tendulkar is now being referred to as the 'one eye batsman in the land of pure blind batsmen'. The reason being that during the 3 consecutive years and 8 months that immediately preceded this new period, the said Tendulkar who now scores a century in nearly every test match could have only managed 'ONE' against the other 7 creditable test sides in world cricket! Also look at the awesome record of Dale Steyn who is just above average but no where in the class of people like Lilee, Marshal, etc. and you'll see what batting in world cricket has now come to - hence, Sammy record is no surprise
Posted by: ian on 05/19/2011
james,
I assume that this article was tongue-in-cheek, so let's not take the "greatest-bowler-of-all-time" claim too seriously. However, having said that, let's not distort the facts. First, Sammy was swinging the ball. Second, Sammy has taken 5-wicket hauls against 3 other occasions against 2 other teams (England and Bangladesh), so disregarding Pakistan's ability to play straight bowling by itself doesn't constitute a rebuttal. I am no fan of Sammy because most times he is ineffective, but when he gets a pitch that accomodates his type of bowling, he takes wickets in bundles, and in fact has the best Test bowling average of any current (non-retired) WI bowler. Facts are facts.
Posted by: Faraz on 05/19/2011
@ James if you feel PK batsnmen were poor than what you say about AJMAL!!!
As WI Batsmen are the worst ever who played any form of cricket!!!
You may forget Misbah/U.Akmal have almost 1000 Runs in calendar year & Misbah having Test avg 70+ (since appointed as Captain).
Posted by: Jason on 05/19/2011
Hilarious stuff Andy. I am West Indian and thoroughly enjoyed the bit about Captain Sammy. For the few that think he was serious about Sammy being Greatest Bowler, research this: 'Sarcasm'.
Posted by: anson on 05/19/2011
The truth hurts no matter how eloquently satorical it's written.....onto Walsh's test wickets W'Indian record Darren......ROTFL!!!!!!!
Posted by: Clifton on 05/19/2011
Sammy plays with more heart than most I would play him before the "so call" great Sarwan
Posted by: Jim on 05/19/2011
James, Relax!! This is page 2 and Andy is the totemic figure of Page 2, we revere him!
Posted by: nadz on 05/19/2011
Boooooooooooooooooooring!
Posted by: Devon L Wilson on 05/19/2011
LOL Greatest Bowler! This guy must be on some strange shyt! I want some! Sammy! let me eructation!
Posted by: Sagar on 05/19/2011
The piece about needing Nobel Scientist to prove the stadiums uselessness was a great piece of Satirical writing!
As for the problem with 3 captains - Throw in Andy Flower what's that fellow doing while these three fight it out? Computer analysis?
Posted by: Davidtt on 05/19/2011
OMG! The title of this article alone begs to find humour, based on this i could not stomach to read it in its entirety. Darren Sammy is a poor excuse for a test match bowler by any standard..(not to mention a very lucky one) and to compare him to malcolm marshall is simply statistical mischief being propogated only to insult the genuine great bowlers of our time.
Posted by: allan simpson on 05/19/2011
Who ever wrote this article obviously has nothing useful to do with their time.
Posted by: Yahoo on 05/19/2011
@ James - Its called sarcasm..
Posted by: Shaz on 05/19/2011
Andy...BRILLIANT!!! I loved the way you have put in the statistics between Sammy and all the fast bowlers!!
Posted by: ezra on 05/19/2011
A gud piece of writing Andy. Very funny.. Keep going but try not giving people their kix on WI. I enjoyed it but kix-off on england instead. lol
Posted by: Randy on 05/19/2011
Classic!!! By those numbers Sammy really is the best.....isn't he..!?
Posted by: Doc Holiday on 05/19/2011
Well, Well, Well, I can't believe you said sammy is the greatest of all time, show the records he broken.I am a W.I but for sammy the greatest, I don't think so. the luckiest, I understand
Posted by: karthik on 05/19/2011
@Aditya: Zaltzman's writing makes you cry? Who cries over cricket satire?
Posted by: sandeep sinha on 05/19/2011
beautifully written from a literary perspective. But a bizarre article when one thinks of the subject.
Posted by: Scott on 05/19/2011
Well, England could always lobby to make the format from the IIFA June 4, 2010 Charity Match a permanent fixture.
Hit it for 12(?!!), lads!
Posted by: AnotherClown on 05/19/2011
@James - Sir are you a clown? If you are, you need to work on your sense of humor.Trust me - Career saving advice.
Posted by: Piechucker on 05/19/2011
Brilliant entertaining article.
Re: James' post-it's called IRONY..
Posted by: Sohail on 05/19/2011
As always, a masterpiece from Andy.
About the match. I believe it was a competition of ineptness in batting and Pakistan was the deserved winner.
Posted by: Scott Goldy on 05/19/2011
England should lobby to bring back the "Power Cricket" format from the England 11 vs. Rest of the World 11 charity match. That would give them a 4th and cause a collective heave from the rest of the cricketing world.
Hit it for 12(?!!), lads.
Posted by: Roy on 05/19/2011
Let see what will happen in the 13 th test,West Indies lacks consistency for the last decade.
Posted by: PV on 05/19/2011
@Andy: You sir, should be knighted...for bringing our benighted souls your delightful humour.
@James: You don't get humour and/or sarcasm....or out much...do you?
Posted by: sam on 05/19/2011
This is just too good and hilarious
Misbah’s 52 was the highest score in the Providence Test (which itself sounds like something the cricket community should insist wealthy tycoons pass before being allowed to land at Lord’s in a helicopter with a Perspex box full of cash).
This line is just too great
Well done and keep them coming
Posted by: Sam Cooke on 05/19/2011
Is this Zaltzman for real. GOD help you. Sammy is the greatest bowler.
Mr. Zaltzman should be a stand up comedian instead.
Posted by: hugh on 05/19/2011
sorry james but a) zaltzman was joking about sammy and b) sammy was swinging it.
Posted by: mac on 05/19/2011
@james: andy was being sarcastic, are you new to page 2?
Posted by: Anonymous on 05/19/2011
The best joke of the year 'Darren Sammy is the greatest bowler ever'!!! May be Zaltsman has lost his memory. Pure waste of time reading this!!
Posted by: l k belgrave on 05/19/2011
totally and utterly rediculous but fantastic reading,i"m in tears.zaltman is the best at what he does,whatever that is
Posted by: sulaiman on 05/19/2011
I have written before on a couple of occasions about being deep down the bottomless pit of cambridge exam preparation only to read a zaltzman classic.
well I am deep in the pit right now, sitting in the pembroke college library biting my hand to stop my self laughing out loud with tears streaming down my face. there is an undergraduate girl sitting opposite me trying to study greek, who is clearly not happy about all this.
Posted by: Vijay on 05/19/2011
Lets see what Mr. Sammy does against the big boys & everyone knows that Guyana pitch favours Mr Sammy's bowling, In the records book he is probably the best but what we know is that sometimes he gets some fluke wickets unlike J Taylor who bowled The 5/11 against England 2009 with a dream spell and Edwards who does have a good record but we know he is better than the record, Even Ramphal
Posted by: Sunil on 05/19/2011
@James , You really misplaced your sense of humour somewhere , didn't you . Andy ( God bless the day he found humour or vice versa ) was being quite tongue in cheek . And to be serious , the Pak batting may be no great shakes , but did you see the amount of deviation Sammy got . He was NOT bowling straight balls alone . More power to your pen , Andy !
Posted by: chucky on 05/19/2011
with class bowlers like Holding, Garner, Roberts and Marshall or walsh or Daniel,Holder or any other great westindian fast bowler, playing together how many times do u think any one of them would get five wickets. Eleven wickets to share between any 4 great bowlers is just about 3 per man. Where are the great bowlers to share the wickets with Sammy?
Posted by: A Natu on 05/19/2011
63? Either Bradman or Tendulkar must have been on the other team.
But then, you're neither that old, nor that young....
So the only logical conclusion, my dear Watson, is that we had a gem, a GEM, playing cricket in the English countryside when totemic opening batsman Andy Zaltzman was out displaying his wares...and the horror, Watson, is that we never once got to see this gem play for England.
Posted by: Rohan Bhalerao on 05/19/2011
What will i say? Simply a masterpiece AGAIN...! Gosh, how do u manage that?
Posted by: Gus on 05/19/2011
Come on Bishop and Holding. What were your bowling statistics from your first 12 tests?
Sammy was only born in the wrong Island. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Posted by: wambling_future on 05/19/2011
@James: You don't have any sense of humor isn't it. Nice article. Liked the part where you say " build soulless modern stadiums...."
Posted by: R Dasai on 05/19/2011
James:
Mr. Z's conclusion is based on his analysis of the facts. Your point of Pakistan's batting is well taken. So, please give Saltzy (Sammy?) a break.
Posted by: Imran Raheem on 05/19/2011
Are you kidding me?!! I don't agree with Darren Sammy being the greatest bowler, no hate.. I like Windies players but I don't even consider him on my top 20. Sammy bowled well against Pakistani batsmen, eventhough I'm a Pakistani, I believe Pakistan's batsmen are one of the weakest in the world. They have no technique, no timing and lack of confidence. It's a great article Mr. Zaltzman but I disagree with you.
Posted by: Conroy on 05/19/2011
Andy, it was a well writtern piece. And I think that it would be appropriate to add the cleche, "Lies Damn Lies and Statisticians. You know that James Adams was once rated by Wisden as the number one batsman in the world but one one believed.
Posted by: kk on 05/19/2011
Andy,
I am shocked at your assessment of the "greatest bowler of all times" based on 12 test matches..
I like Darren Sammy, but putting someone on a pedestal so early in someone's career is completely ridiculous..
Is this article written to boost the morale of WI Cric, that is on a downward slump..
Posted by: gcubed on 05/19/2011
Boring comments. Where are the real admirers of satire?
Posted by: JK on 05/19/2011
Hilarious - excellent illustration of Sammy's performance so far....AZ's wit and modesty hides his obvious genius with numbers quite a bit!
Posted by: Cousin David on 05/19/2011
Probably the best piece of Sport journalism I have ever read - DH, England
Posted by: njr1330 on 05/19/2011
Clearly 'James' doesn't do post-modern irony. This means he is either (a) American (b) in need of cognitive therapy or (c) both!
Posted by: Taharka Carrington on 05/19/2011
This is funny, beautifully written If I could have write like this I wouldn't have to worry, Cricinfo would have been hiring me instead, but I can't so as a young writer i just have to continue reading Mr. Zaltzman column and practice more. One team having four captains is like one woman having four husband or one dog having four masters it just has the word crazy written all over it or did I hear someone say insane. Remember though that the craziest idea could be the best solutions. So we should whether the results would be insanity or productivity.
Posted by: masih on 05/19/2011
sammy is a good match winner but his not conistint
Posted by: Sid5055 on 05/19/2011
@ James....Suggest you look up the meaning of "satire" in a dictionary.
@Zalts....Tedious to read at times, but your analysis of Sammy's bowling is pure genius!!! Welcome back.
Posted by: alex on 05/20/2011
my kids are sure i'm going crazy laughing my head off and reading about cricket. unheard of.lol
Posted by: Akshay on 05/20/2011
Andy! Andy! Andy! You uncanny little fellow. Always loved your writing pieces. Sammy's section beats everything....
Posted by: Madly_in_cricket on 05/20/2011
Andy Sammy is greatest bowler just like Ten Doeschate and Coopers have the best ODI averages... Statistics are like mini skirts my friend !!!!!
Posted by: Kartik on 05/20/2011
El CLassico!!
Posted by: Ravi on 05/21/2011
Well done Andy,
You are out of this world, heh.....heh,
Posted by: cherryjuice on 05/22/2011
Facts are funny things.
Posted by: mjroyal on 05/23/2011
The heading itself is like Sehwag's sixer of the first ball. A very good piece for page2. carry on A Z.
Statistics are always stranger than fiction.
I do remember Ajit Agarkar as fastest 50 wicket taker in ODIs and now Where is he??
GOD bless Sammy.
Posted by: Nachiket Tayshete on 05/24/2011
Excellent....... sammy is god...... Sammy shld be captaining a franchise in IPL and he should replace gayle for RCB.
Posted by: wilo on 05/24/2011
whoah -- I thought we'd weeded out all those who consistently failed to understand the concept of "comedy", but it seems they're back! Now all we need is for someone to complain that there's nothing in this article about Tendulkar, and we'll all feel right at home again... ;)
p.s. -- thanks for the laughs, Andy, as always :)
Posted by: osei on 05/25/2011
@sam cooke, Mr. Zaltzman is a stand up comedian
Posted by: keith on 05/26/2011
I'm sure we all agreed that the harder you work the lucker you get, and my Sammy is a worker he is greateres allrounder the W,I ever will have.
Posted by: cricket lover JA on 05/26/2011
what sammy needs now is stephen flanatunga's brain and and glenn mcgrath's advice - he bowls the same pace and he's about the same height who agrees with me?
Posted by: James Perkins on 05/29/2011
It was a remarkable match, exciting, low scoring, and somehow, with 20 dismissals by lbw!
Why didn't Andy Z make that into a joke?
Posted by: Tom on 05/31/2011
@James, satire appears to be lost on you. I don't think Mr Z. really believes Sammy to be the best bowler in the world!
Posted by: Roger R on 06/02/2011
Andy, The Providence stadium in Guyana is a mere ten to fifteen minutes drive from the capital, by no means remote....
Posted by: Kumar on 06/09/2011
@James: Come on, James..Humor..remember, something that makes us crack a smile.
@njr1330: HEY! I'm American and love the Zaltzman humor..but, gotta love it when people take shots at americans and our humor (or the lack of).
Andy: Gotta agree, Sammy's a better (as per your stats, a far superior) bowler than the Picasso of Pace, Malcolm Marshall..
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