
Andy Zaltzman was born in obscurity in 1974. He has been a sporadically-acclaimed stand-up comedian since 1999, and has appeared regularly on BBC Radio 4. He is currently one half of TimesOnline’s hit satirical podcast The Bugle, alongside John Oliver (The Daily Show with John Stewart). He also writes for The Times newspaper, and is the author of Does Anything Eat Bankers? (And 53 Other Indispensable Questions For The Credit Crunched).
Zaltzman’s love of cricket outshone his aptitude for the game by a humiliating margin. He once scored 6 in 75 minutes in an Under-15 match, and failed to hit a six between the ages of 9 and 23. He would have been ideally suited to Tests, had not a congenital defect left him unable to play the game to anything above genuine village standard. Aged 21, when fielding at deep midwicket, he dropped the same batsman three times in fifteen minutes, and has not been selected by England before or since
Zaltzman’s World Cup blog is here
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January 5, 2012
Posted by Andy Zaltzman on 01/05/2012
Multistat: 1
Should have quit 30 runs before
© Getty ImagesThe number of times in the documented history of mankind that a Test team has scored two 250-plus partnerships in the same innings. Until 2012, that total was zero. Now it is one, thanks to some fine batting by Clarke, Ponting and Hussey, and some minimum-intensity cricket by an Indian team that, just a very-long-seeming year ago, was ranked No. 1 in Tests (and about to embark on a victorious World Cup campaign).
All summits must be descended from. Preferably with due care and attention. As a Test team, however, India have tobogganed back to base camp at alarming velocity, like an over-excited Edmund Hillary desperate to get home to tell his mummy about how he had just conquered that really big mountain that she had promised him a new bicycle for climbing.
In their last two away series, in England and Australia, India have been mostly careless and uncertain with the bat, listless with the ball and snoozy in the field. Does their creaking batting line-up of ageing legends have it in them to rouse themselves to greatness again? Can Dhoni bring the toboggan skidding to a controlled halt, turn it around, and cajole his team to start shoving it back uphill? Does the IPL care? As Hussey and Clarke helped themselves to some of the least challenging runs of their long careers on day three, against opponents playing with the fierce and unrelenting intensity of a three-day-old bowl of half-eaten porridge, it was hard to be optimistic.
Also: The number of batsmen who have been left stranded on 299 not out in Tests. That man was Don Bradman (“A useful accumulator of runs” – International Society for Understatements). Clarke, as captain, had a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to join Bradman by declaring when he was one run short of his triple-hundred, in the ultimate cricketing self-prank. It would have been worth it just to see the look on his team-mates’ faces. Bradman was also the only player before Clarke who had scored a Test triple-hundred when batting at No. 5 or lower – he did so in Leeds in 1934.
Also: The number of (a) pairs and (b) scores of more than 201 that Jacques Kallis has scored in his illustrious Test career. These have come in his last two Tests, meaning that Kallis, the very embodiment of cricketing reliability for a decade and a half, has become the most inconsistent cricketer in the universe. With the possible exception of Clarke, whose last 13 Test innings have been 13, 6, 112, 151, 2, 11, 2, 139, 22, 0, 31, 1 and 329 not out. On current form, he is a good man to dismiss early.
Also: The number of Test teams that have conceded two individual scores of 290 or more within a six-month period. Clarke’s mammoth score followed hot on the heels of Alastair Cook plinking India to distraction with 294 last summer. Incidentally, in case any of you want a stat to impress / distract / annoy / confuse a potential employer at a job interview, there have now been as many 290-plus Test innings in the last four years as there were between 1939 and 1989 – seven (by Virender Sehwag, Younis Khan, Sarwan, Sehwag again, Chris Gayle, Cook and Clarke; between Len Hutton’s 364 in 1938 and Graham Gooch’s 333 in 1990, only Hanif Mohammad, Garry Sobers, Bob Simpson, John Edrich, Bob Cowper, Lawrence Rowe and Viv Richards passed 290).
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Posted by: Shayan Z Ali Khan on 01/05/2012
I did not see Inzamam's name in the list of 290+. He scored against Newzealnd in the year 2002 at Lahore.
Posted by: Nick on 01/05/2012
Andy,you forgot to mention most number of mis-fields in a single innings.Ishant Sharma must be up there with Dilip Doshi ,Devon Malcolm and Bob Holland for most runs conceded by a fielder.Ricky ponting was going after Graham Thorp's record of most number of glove changes-oh I forgot,Monty Panesar smashed that record at Cardiff in 2009.
Great article anyway.
Posted by: Cam on 01/05/2012
You forgot Martin Crowe!
Posted by: Karthik on 01/05/2012
While I do rate each of batsmen among Virender Sehwag, Younis Khan, Sarwan, Sehwag again, Chris Gayle, Cook and Clarke - well - obviliously - they are not in the same class as Hanif Mohammad, Garry Sobers, Bob Simpson, Lawrence Rowe and Viv Richards....
Clear sign of batsmen friendly turf, covered wickets, restrictions on bouncers/ more attacking bowling...
Posted by: Nisarg on 01/05/2012
Awesome stats Andy...
Does the increase in number of 290+ scores in last four years mean that recently the pitches have been more batsmen friendly along with deteriorating quality of bowlers?
With the exception of Dale Steyn, though.
Posted by: ronit on 01/05/2012
you ar incredible..the no of 290s in th lst four yrs..ausum..clarke shd hv declard on 299..it wud hv been sexy
Posted by: Greg Ranger on 01/05/2012
Although it was only Zimbabwe, what about Matty Haydens 380???? Call yourself a cricket expert???
Posted by: Osama on 01/05/2012
useful of accumulator of runs hahahahaha
Posted by: raees mustafa on 01/05/2012
wow! Brilliant Zaltzman, those are some facts that I was looking really forward to read!
Cheers mate!
Posted by: Khurram Ishaque on 01/05/2012
Regarding 290+ scores, where does Brian Charles Lara stands during the period of 1990's and early 2000?
BTW, super article (Y)...
Posted by: Nobee Perera on 01/05/2012
This writer foget, Sanath Jayasuriya, Mahela Jayawardana and Kumar Sangakkara.
Posted by: Damien Pollock on 01/05/2012
A great innings by Clarke but you are on the money concerning India. They look like they have little interest in the series & are happy to do well only if it comes with little effort. Their fielding is the measure, as in it is something every player has to do whether they are a specialist with bat or ball & they look positively pedestrian.
I haven't seen them play elsewhere but it is very disappointing to be looking forward to a hard fought summer of skillful cricket against some of the best players & team in the world & it seems like they'd rather be somewhere else.
Looking like soon to be two-nil down in the series they'd hardly do their reputation any more damage if they flew out next week & left the controversy behind them, at this point I don't think I could think any less of them if they did.
Many Australian fans will revel in the slaughter but it really is a poor show thus far.
Posted by: Ankur Yelne on 01/05/2012
You are forcing me 2 b'cm ur FAN. Ths is a gr8 post...
Posted by: Fahad on 01/05/2012
Multistat : 1 - Number of genius-witty-multistates-writer ever to grace this earth. All-hail Andy Zaltaman. It is beacuse of you this page 2 got to survive to this day.
Posted by: Alok Sinha on 01/05/2012
Also: The number of international centuries needed by Sachin Tendulkar to get the frigging record done with, in case anyone forgot
Posted by: eagerBrad on 01/05/2012
Awesome as usual! Loving that last stat, amazing!
Posted by: rashid on 01/05/2012
india slaughtered again on foreign soil.. tigers at home, kittens abroad..
Posted by: Hardik on 01/05/2012
"mostly careless and uncertain with the bat, listless with the ball and snoozy in the field." - perfect summary of last 5 and a half tests by Team India...
Posted by: Roshanshre on 01/05/2012
I fell very good that M.C hit Tripplle centuary.worth it
Posted by: daydreamersareajokes spot on. on 01/05/2012
Nice said andy. As always spot on but you didnt help us solving one question ie Where is the unplayable spin of ashwin and where is the fire and aggression of yadav and ishant.
Regards
Posted by: michael on 01/05/2012
Martin Crowe 299 sits in there too
Posted by: ravi kahlon on 01/05/2012
4-0 loss against England according to Dhoni was an isolated incident.now dhoni ran out of excuses.how much more shame these players considered like semigods by indian masses will bring for the country.it looks like Australia is playing against some mohalla team from new delhi.
Posted by: Ashu Jain on 01/05/2012
Is that correct, what about the marathon test innings in Sri Lanka (900+ against India). How could 900+ be made without more than two 250+ partnerships? Theoretically, yes, 9 partnerships of 100 each but, could you please confirm?
AJ
Posted by: Mariso on 01/05/2012
I totally agree with you..Clarke should have declared at lunch and showed that he wanted his first triple century..and 150 for Hussey..They were playing for the records.. 400 would make obvious to everybody so he declared..It is not like Aussie were batting first they knew Inida's total and rain in the forecast..
Posted by: JOSHU PONRAJ on 01/05/2012
IT IS VERY PATHETIC TO SEE THAT THE SO CALLED BEST TEST TEAM ( IN HOME TURF ONLY? .) IN THE WORLD , IS GETTING PUNISHED DUE TO AGEING DOMINAED BATSMEN FILLED INDIAN LINEUP AND INEXPERIANED BOWLING ATTACK . WILL ITSURVIVE THIS TEST ?
Posted by: M.K. Smith on 01/05/2012
Well wait when Aussies tour India where they will face the same issues with spin as India is facing against them with pace. It is bad that all teams prepare pitches to the liking of home teams to win test matches. Same with Aussies, Indians, lankans, everyone. So if it has to be even then ICC should be the one who should take care of pitches and provide same surface everywhere. Fast bowlers are successful in Aus, SA & Eng. Spinners in India and SL. So let us compare apples to apples.
Posted by: Surender Azad on 01/05/2012
Hilarious stuff , especially abouT Edmund Hillary running downhill , only India,s decent from the summit has been a little faster. No body in the world , least of all us discerning Indians ever believed that our team desreved to be the number one Test Team. we were pretenders to the throne , and occupied the spot due to a arithmetical miscalculation and a deviously planned international tour schedule . Now look " THE EMPROROR HAS NO CLOTHES"
Posted by: Danisrob on 01/05/2012
Martin Crowe claims that him and Bradman are the only two members of the '299 Club'.
Michael Clarke had the opportunity to join this illustrious club that I am sure every child dreams of being a member of.....
Posted by: paul on 01/05/2012
its all the ipl money thats pulling the indian team down...shame on u indians!!
Posted by: sathish on 01/05/2012
Awesome stats Mr.Zaltzman.
Posted by: SJ on 01/05/2012
Did you miss Taufeeq Umar's double vs. SL in October
Posted by: SJ on 01/05/2012
correction... he did not get 290-plus ... apologies.. you are right
Posted by: Kiran on 01/05/2012
Being an Indian supporter I feel cheated by the Indian team and BCCI. Most of the current Indian team deserve to be dropped.
Posted by: Hashimi on 01/05/2012
So how many during 1989 - 2007. Inzi, Lara x2, Hayden, Crowe?
Posted by: Bingo Haley on 01/05/2012
Its more accurate to say that Indians have bolted on seeing the abominable snowman, slipping, sliding, panicking and flailing past base camp. A flight reminiscent of the deer who dispersed efficiently at Richmond Park to avoid confrontation with Fenton (or Benton)
Posted by: indian fan on 01/05/2012
love the article, keep em coming - indian fan
Posted by: rafiullah on 01/05/2012
India is my best team in the world but today is india in very poor stage of test cricket they must thank again why they not score 250plus in the many innings some time they droop catch their bowling is not good like Australia africa and also they are the home tiger but in the Forion Country they are like fox because some time ago their was two test match between india and australia both test won india because they were at home*they will make for himself like australia africa england Pitch to play Good on that pitch good luck to india team in the final they must bring irfan pathan back for Ishant sharma*
Posted by: Manoj on 01/05/2012
Seriously, I wonder guys like Sachin, Dravid and Laxman have been around for 20 or more years and still can't figure out how to bat on Australian pitches. They have performed better against McGrath and Gillespie. I think it is time for them to give way to younger players. They will falter but atleast have the urge to improve, which I see is missing in the so called BIG 3.
Posted by: P. Devarajan on 01/05/2012
can't see our senior citizens saving the match. with rains expected on the fourth day, it will be difficult to face the australian pace bowlers.
Posted by: geromine john on 01/05/2012
mr.clarke is always as the potentials to destroy any bowling lineup,thus he as proven it in this innings , looking at india's they would recovery in this series if sachin don't strike big,australia will win the series 3nil. congradulation to mr clarke
Posted by: bijayakumar on 01/05/2012
The manner in which India has got down from the No.1 spot is a great blow for the Indian fans.Though your comments may sound a bit harsh,it is absolutely true.BCCI needs to have a thorough introspection.Their only concern seems to be to amass money and they will put the game for sale if it brings in money.
Posted by: Jonathan Ellis on 01/05/2012
Michael Clarke may be the first triple centurion to have *intentionally* batted at 5 or lower in the order, with a full hand of recognised batsmen above him. Bradman, in his triple century scored as the fifth batsman, would normally have batted at 3 or 4, but there had been a nightwatchman (Bert Oldfield, who failed at his job, out for a fourth-ball duck).
That Australian team contained, in fact, three experienced openers (Brown, Ponsford and Woodfull). Brown opened with Ponsford but was dismissed early. After Oldfield also fell, Woodfull came in at 4th, but lasted only two balls. Ponsford (22*, Australia 39/3) appealed against the light: Bradman, demoted to 5th, did not join him till the next morning. The pair batted nearly all day for a partnership of 388.
It's quite possible that, had Ponsford's appeal been refused, either he or Bradman could have been dismissed that evening - both had surprisingly poor eyesight and would have struggled in dark conditions.
Posted by: Bala on 01/05/2012
Andy - Why are you attempting to disguise your satire with so much statistics?!
Posted by: Sriram on 01/05/2012
No matter what, India will face an innings defeat.
Posted by: Opener on 01/05/2012
1 is also the number of Indian 'cricket fans' out of 1 million who will not deride you for being such a (fill blank with) India/Sachin hater, no matter that your article put the truth of the matter so gently that a father's act of fondly patting his son on the back would seem like corporal punishment/child abuse in comparison.
Also, did anyone notice anything amiss in the headlines of the day regarding the Ind-Aus and SL-SAf test matches? Colour me stupid, but methinks the sky is going to fall on our heads!
Posted by: Jumper Johns on 01/05/2012
India's decline is a surprise only to Indian fans. It took every ounce of effort, organization, practice and thought to win the world cup. They are spent. I always figured it would take a year to recoup from that effort. They were fat, happy and content from the world cup. And now they are being caned. Next they need to become lean and mean again. I figure by year end, they'll be a better team. But for this test, I expect them to fight till morning drinks and then head to the airport by lunch.
Posted by: outsider on 01/05/2012
Andy
You missed out Martin Crowe's 299 against Sri Lanka in NZ
Posted by: Jus Chill on 01/05/2012
Poor Selection is to blame...... the seniors are inconsistent and they need to be replaced.... unfortunately the BCCI is not brave enough to do so...... My team for test matches in Australia would be ... Gambhir, Sehwag, Rahane, Tendulkar, Rohit Sharma, Kohli, Dhoni, Ravindra Jadeja, Irfan Pathan, Munaf Patel, Zaheer Khan, 12th Man - Praveen Kumar........ Jadeja and Pathan would give India the extra batting depth that they desperately need as the batsmen keep failing.... plus pathans swing is a great advantage.... have always rated munaf highly in terms of bowling talent..... his line and length is very close to how glenn mcgrath used to bowl.... Jadeja is a very decent spinner and can take wickets.... BCCI needs to be brave now... the time has come.
Posted by: SUSY on 01/05/2012
When I was a small boy, I used to read the comic stories of Shikari Shambhu. Though Shamu is stupid, meek, lazy, cowardly hunter who is afraid of wild animals, world perceive him as courageous, powerful, intelligent hunter.Through some stroke of luck, Shambu always ended up as hero. Like wise Dhoni is shikari shambu of Indian cricket. Below average keeping, lacking proper batting techniques, yet media hail him as the most clever, intelligent, smart, cool cricketer. He shot in to fame through the 20-20 world cup victory which itself was through stroke of good luck. Now our Shambhus luck is running aways and he is exposed, but vested interests will always protect this stupid hero.
Like Reply
Posted by: Edmund Hillary on 01/05/2012
"an over-excited Edmund Hillary desperate to get home to tell his mummy about how he had just conquered that really big mountain that she had promised him a new bicycle for climbing."
I wonder why Tenzing to stay on that peak so long and soak it all in. Me, I just wanted my bicycle.
Posted by: ObaidAnsari on 01/05/2012
Zaltz, you are awesome man!
Posted by: ambi on 01/05/2012
With a bowling attack that is so weak and has been weak for a long time, India should never have been #1. If there is a bench strength of wicket takes in the squad, then, we have something. Right now, Zaheer meets the requirements only partially and the rest are mediocre.
Posted by: Sai Shenoy on 01/06/2012
This is also the difference in career premiership goals scored by Tim Howard and Sachin Tendulkar.....
Posted by: DoesNotMatter on 01/06/2012
We indians need another sport to pour our nationalist passion into. An Indian version of Roger Federer maybe? OK! We'll take an Indian version of Andy Murray if it get's to that. Cricket and the BCCI desperately need some competition. Otherwise this crap will continue for ever
Posted by: Saad Shafqat on 01/06/2012
Brilliant, biting stuff, Andy. Was also hoping you'd comment on why that Indian toboggan has come sliding back so alarmingly.
Posted by: vijay p kumar on 01/06/2012
With Kallis' score more than 201 you are pushing it too far. Its customary to the double (200).
Posted by: Subbu on 01/06/2012
Money = IPL!! Root of all evil. 'nuf said
Posted by: PRIYA on 01/06/2012
We India's will rock once again every dog has a day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Nadeem Kureshi on 01/06/2012
Also: Most near hundreds by a batsman, while trying to make a 100 of 100s.
Posted by: Kintu on 01/06/2012
Can we request Rahul Dravid, Zaheer Khan and VVS Laxman to retire after this series?
Posted by: zain on 01/06/2012
Interesting article zeeman!
Posted by: Dr Athar Abbas on 01/06/2012
Pakistani's must understand the value of people like Azhar Ali more after this test. he is perhaps the most rare gem of batting in this era of big bashes and IPLs. In a test match, the mental stamina of blocking an entire day worth of bowling deliveries without getting stressed, perhaps only he possesses now a days. India needed people like him today, not stroke makers.
Posted by: Dr Athar Abbas on 01/06/2012
Winning a test match is certainly the goal but not losing a match also comes handy. Once in 1980's Ravi shastri and Dilip Vengsarker, played out the entire last day without getting separated (5 down after 4th day against Pakistan). Abdul razzaq and Kamran Akmal did the same very recently in India. Pakistan has recently not lost any series, more because they know how to NOT LOSE a test match better than anyone presently. Play out long innings with complete concentration, is really their forte.
Posted by: James Rattray on 01/06/2012
Congratulations to the Australian team on this great performance in Sydney... and Andy Zaltman... you're an idiot to use a throwaway line on a great man in Edmond Hilary... good luck India... you're going to need it.
Posted by: falam on 01/06/2012
i truly believe that indians are way overrated in cricket. they are flat pitch players and make most records on their own grounds.
Posted by: Deepak Kulkarni on 01/06/2012
All these records hardly matter. Men who have real guts, who can outwit their opponents win and the weak minded lose. Its all in the mind. This series has seperated the men from the boys.
Good work aussies.
Posted by: ponnappa payyakumar on 01/06/2012
this is bloody funny! hah..hah...indians ponnayo!!!!!
Posted by: Mohammed Ali Moin on 01/06/2012
Team indian proved this once more , they are good at home only. No matter how strong the team india is on paper or on ground still not good enough to win series abroad against the fair competetors. Winning series in West Indies is not good enough to prove this point indians can win the series abroad. I think there is no doubt on the flair and experience of the indian team but big question mark is against the mental strength which is non existent.
Posted by: vshan1314 on 01/06/2012
I think its time to either change Captain of India Mr. MS Dhoni or BCCI needs to step up and reduce the Test Match format to a 4-day match when ever India plays against any top order opposition except for teams like Bangladesh, Kenya etc.
Its pity that a team which was named No. 1 just an year ago is finding it hard to last for complete five days and also make scores beyond 300 in any inning's. people are furious about Sachin and make stupid statements like let him get his 100 century so that he will International Cricket and make way for youngsters, where as our beloved captain always thinks about breaks, even today after the match he stated "we have 5 days before next match we need to take a break and come back fresh" whereas the old man will put on his pads n go for practice right after he gets up in the morning. So do we want to see a dedicated old man carrying billions of hopes for 2 decades on his shoulders or people who see cricket as just a game and nothing more to them?
Posted by: Mohammad Talha on 01/06/2012
Simply brilliant!!!!!!!
Posted by: waterbuffalo on 01/08/2012
Here's hoping for India to lose Eight away Tests in a row, then they can forget about Test Cricket and stick to what they do best ODI's and 20/20 cricket at home. I think they've forgotten what a forward short leg looks like, much less a silly point, they looked a far better outfit when Kumble was around, now Pakistan's Saeed Ajmal is actually better than India's best spinner, Ashwin. Why they don't play Ojha is beyond me, I suppose they don't rate left arm orthodox..I wish India would play South Africa next , yet another team better than them, then they could slip to number four, where they belong.
Posted by: Chris on 01/08/2012
To all the people saying what about X. Hayden, Inzy and Martin Crowe all scored 290+ outside of the last four years and 1939-1989 and therefore are correctly not mentioned. Do not doubt Zaltor the merciless.
Posted by: waterbuffalo on 01/08/2012
I also think Dravid should open with Gambhir, he did very well in England as a make-shift opener, a solid start then you can bring in Sachin at three and give Rohit Sharma a chance, keep Kohli and have Sehwag bat at 6, the only guy you drop is Laxman. Change the order to ensure stability at the top.
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