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November 27, 2008
Posted by Mike Holmans on 11/27/2008 in Mike Holmans
England's batting disorder

My campaign to get Kevin Pietersen to open the batting has gained another welcome recruit in the person of the proprietor of the Confectionery Stall. His support is most welcome as recent events have demonstrated how essential it is.

For a start, we have to preserve what little is left of the sanity of the TV commentators. If the first wicket falls and Pietersen does not come out to bat, they immediately start weeping and wailing that Pietersen has to bat at three because you need your best batsman coming in early. If he does come in at three, as happened at Cuttack, they then start weeping and wailing that Owais Shah should have come in at three because he is the man in form. Round and round they spin, and nervous breakdowns beckon.

If KP continues to refuse to open, the only way of settling Botham’s tiny mind is for Pietersen and Shah to come out together at three.

As tactics go, this is not a promising one. I was at a Sunday game in the 1980s when a Middlesex wicket fell. As was usual, a barrel with the word “Gatting” on its back rolled down the pavilion steps and out to the wicket, but the innings which followed was most uncharacteristic. There was poking and prodding, but no short-arm jabs for four as was customary.

My friend Paul got out the binoculars and scrutinised things.

“That’s not Mike Gatting out there,” he said, after a long look. “That’s Aftab Habib and some other bloke from the second XI sharing Gatting’s shirt.”

All was now clear, of course. That lack of technique or talent was definitely Habibian – those who saw his later appearances for England may well remember the bat held in random positions vis-à-vis the ball during his mercifully brief appearances – but the results were less than gratifying as the two of them departed for 7.

I can’t help but think it would be unlikely to work in this case either. Pietersen and Shah are both inventive, to be sure, but what happens when KP wants to play a switch hit and Ace wants to flip the ball over short fine leg’s head? Either they start fighting or we discover how truly elastic those shiny new strips are.

The other reason for KP to open is to avoid further embarrassment to Alastair Cook. Cook is in the squad in his official capacity of Next England Captain, a post which is as ceremonial as that of Prince of Wales.

Prince Charles may declare the odd public building open when Mumsie can’t make it, but mostly his duties consist of moaning about modern architecture and entertaining trees with his Goon Show impressions. What he doesn’t do is the real stuff of monarchy, such as opening Parliament or getting the nation to gather round the TV after lunch on Christmas Day and watch the royal holiday videos.

Similarly, Cook should not be expected to play ODIs, as he is even less suited to opening in 50-over cricket than Ian Bell. Making up the numbers in the touch rugby and giving indiscreet press conferences in which he lets slip that Stanford really was all about the money are much more the thing for him until KP retires.

Unless Pietersen does the decent thing, and soon, Cook’s royal personage will continue to be insulted. With the captain enjoying immunity from prosecution, such treason may lead to the coach being imprisoned in the Tower of London on the team’s return to England.

Hmm. Now that’s an idea …..

Comments (4)
Posted by: Ayem Gilani at November 27, 2008 8:27 AM

i love the ending of the article, funny stuff.
I was watching the match and I am glad somebody took notice of how all the commentators were trying to sound rational and questioning why Owais Shah was batting at 6 and not 3, and before he came out to bat they kept emphasizing on how Pieterson should be batting up the order all the time

Posted by: Tom Rigby at November 27, 2008 9:30 AM

While the England management have certainly not helped the case, we have to face that we've been soundly beaten by a much better team. At the moment, I believe India are the best one-day side in the world and have the reserves to continue as such for many years to come. Like India and many other cricketing nations, England need to decide who their best one-day players are and introduce younger players into the fold - the likes of Malan and Denly. Cook is not a one-day player yet he is continually taken on tours. Collingwood is hopelessly out of form and yet instead of resting him, we put him up the order. Both when a Malan or Denly could have stepped in. So what about this for a squad for the next one-day tournament.

Bopara, Bell, Pietersen, Shah, Denly, Malan, Prior, Flintoff, Broad, Sidebottom, Harmison, Rashid, Mascarehnas, Wright, Swann, Solanki.

Posted by: Avinash at December 1, 2008 10:02 AM

All was now clear, of course. That lack of technique or talent was definitely Habibian – those who saw his later appearances for England may well remember the bat held in random positions vis-à-vis the ball during his mercifully brief appearances – but the results were less than gratifying as the two of them departed for 7.

Posted by: Biso at December 8, 2008 5:21 PM

I will not write off England as a good one day side, as yet. India were just too good or maybe had the key edge. Let England play Australia. That will provide a better insight into where the English team is, right now. On paper, they look a formidable side.Hence, it is too early to jump to conclusions about England's prowess or the lack of it.India had better batsmen, better bowlers and their fielding (as a team ) was equally ordinary and patchy as England's.

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Shanaka Amarasinghe
Shanaka Amarasinghe Shanaka Amarasinghe Possessing the best disguised googly in Sri Lanka (because no one has ever really seen it), Shanaka is the finest legspinner to never have played top-level cricket. He is a popular cricket analyst and host of The Score, the No. 1-rated, if slightly infamous, sports show on radio in Sri Lanka. While in England playing rugby, he earned his LLM at King’s College and is a lawyer by training if not inclination. He is also an actor, a journalist, a writer, and thinks he is a comedian.
Mike Holmans
Mike HolmansMike Holmans, a database consultant by profession, has spent thirty summers (and a few winters) going to the cricket. Brought up in one and working in the other, his dearest wish is for a season to end with Yorkshire winning the county championship by beating runners-up Middlesex by one wicket with five minutes to go. If it’s also a summer when England win the Ashes, so much the better.
Michael Jeh
Michael JehMichael Jeh Born in Colombo, educated at Oxford and now living in Brisbane, Michael Jeh (Fox) is a cricket lover with a global perspective on the game. An Oxford Blue who played first-class cricket, he is a Playing Member of the MCC and still plays grade cricket. Michael now works closely with elite athletes, and is passionate about youth intervention programmes. He still chases his boyhood dream of running a wildlife safari operation called Barefoot in Africa.
Saad Shafqat
Saad ShafqatSaad Shafqat takes special pride that his cricket-watching life began during the three-month interval between Javed Miandad's debut Test in Lahore and Imran Khan's 12-wicket haul at Sydney. Although a practicing neurologist based in Karachi, cricket has never been far from his activities. He has co-authored Javed Miandad’s autobiography Cutting Edge and has been a contributor to Cricinfo since 2005. His regular column Reverse Swing appears fortnightly in Dawn, Pakistan’s leading English daily.
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