Kevin Pietersen's ego: never too far from his team-mates © AFP

Tuesday, March 8
It’s been a hell of a summer in Australian cricket. But after a dignified pause for sombre reflection and careful consideration, Cricket Australia have chosen to pretend that Andrew Hilditch is definitely the man for the job and he will remain as ringmaster of the Circus of Selection Horrors until August or possibly later.

Explaining their decisive non-decision, chairman Jack Clarke explained that they were all waiting for the result of the Big Review of Everything which is expected in August or maybe November, depending how long it takes AB to type it up and Tubby Taylor to colour in the pictures. But he had this reassuring message:

“We’re looking forward for sustained future success, we’re not looking with rearview mirrors.”

He means metaphorical rearview mirrors, of course. But as any metaphorical driving instructor will tell you, it is important to check your metaphorical mirrors before you change direction, lest the articulated lorry of the past catch up to you again and run your rusty old vehicle of administration off the motorway of sustained future success.

Wednesday, March 9
So Kevin Pietersen is going home and England must find a new temporary replacement opener. But Andrew Strauss confirmed that whilst the big man will be flying back to Blighty, KP’s ego will be staying on in India.

“KP will be a big loss, no question, but it will still be good to have his ego around the dressing room, looking at itself in the mirror, Tweeting rubbish and encouraging the other lads by reminding them how much poorer they are as cricketers.”

Thursday, March 10
Imagine a man who wakes up one day and wonders what would happen if he hit himself on the head with a frying pan. He tries it; it hurts. Fair enough, you live and learn. But then a little while later, he wonders if he made too hasty a judgement. So he does it again. It hurts again. Hmm. Its looking pretty conclusive, he thinks. One more try? Now his head hurts, his dinner is ruined and he is able to deduce from all this that hitting yourself on the head with a frying pan is both painful and pointless. Yet, for reasons impossible to fathom, the Pakistan cricket team continues to beat itself about the cranium with a pan called Kamran.

Friday, March 11
England’s entertaining defeat today appears to have been the final straw for the ICC who have announced that their Implausibility Department will be investigating the string of unusually nail-biting victories and suspiciously thrilling losses that England have produced since they arrived in India. An ICC spokesperson stressed that they did not believe the men in dingy blue had been doing deals with bookmakers.

“It’s much more sinister than that. We suspect that certain England players have been engineering close finishes in order to produce a more entertaining post-tournament review DVD. Perhaps they are hoping for an Oscar nomination.”

Speculation intensified when it was rumoured that Quentin Tarantino was spotted on the England’s team balcony during the brutal post-modernist defeat to Ireland and that Bruce Willis had been seen practising in Matt Prior’s place ahead of the Bangladesh game. But Bob Willis, a leading film critic, was unimpressed.

“The plots are totally unrealistic, the dialogue from behind the stumps is wooden and unconvincing and quite frankly, James Anderson is just not believable in the role of an international fast bowler.”

Afridi and Waqar contemplate with distaste the unprecedented outbreak of sobriety in the Pakistan ranks © AFP

Saturday, 19th February
Shahid Afridi thinks that Pakistan are dangerous. I disagree. A tamer set of green-clad cricketers you will rarely see. Shoaib Akhtar is an ageing rockstar, Younis Khan and Misbah ul-Haq are as sensible as a stout pair of brogues and even the captain is on his best behaviour. They’re about as dangerous as a Sunday afternoon in Bournemouth. And frankly, all this harmony, discipline and focus is dull, dull, dull; we get more than enough of that from the other teams. Loosen up, Shahid, and do something silly!

Monday, 21st February
As a species we have achieved much. We have travelled to the moon, carved railways through the sides of mountains, discovered supersonic travel, and eliminated the need to take two bottles into the shower. And yet it appears that, given 2000 years’ practice, four years’ notice, a potential audience of a billion and pots of money, we are still unable to satisfactorily arrange an efficient method of ensuring sufficient people gain entrance to a sporting event in exchange for a small fee.

The range of ways the authorities have found to deter people from attending World Cup games is impressive. Set up websites to handle public demand that then crash due to public demand. Refuse to tell anyone where they can buy a ticket. Don’t advertise where the games are happening until the last minute, like illegal parties. And, thanks to a suggestion from the Mumbai CA’s marketing consultant, a Mr Wonka, the public allocation of 10 golden tickets for the final have been hidden in bars of chocolate to be sold in sweet shops throughout India.

Tuesday, 22nd February
I don’t agree with this idea that Associate Members are cluttering up the World Cup. For one thing, it is a dangerous precedent to start excluding teams from competitions on the grounds that they haven’t got a hope in hell of winning them. Where do you draw the line? If such a rule was in place, England might never play in a World Cup again. Ditto New Zealand and West Indies. A few years from now, we could be looking at a tournament featuring just India, Sri Lanka and South Africa. Which might be better, but rather misses the point.

Anyway, you don’t always need a close game to be entertained. Today’s match, for example, had everything. There was an impressive display of formation politeness (“Would you like to catch the ball?” “No sir, I couldn’t, possibly. After you.” “No, you go, I insist”) a coconut shy in the covers, some hilarious clowning around on the boundary, and a lovely rendition of the traditional “Four Men in the Circle” dance. All that was missing were the silly hats, tinkly ankle bells and waving handkerchiefs. This troupe of English folk dancers are sure to be a hit on their six-date Indian tour.

And there was KP, continuing with his tradition of celebrating left-arm spinners. As heroic flaws go, this helplessness in the face of a ball heading towards him from a slightly wider angle is baffling. After all, it took a rare glowing green rock from outer space to bring Superman down. Though, to be fair, Clark Kent’s mission was easier: save the world whilst maintaining anonymity. KP has a lot more on his plate. He has to open the innings in the World Cup but doesn’t quite know how. Do they want him to be Kevin Boycott or Kevin Botham? As sportsmen would say, it’s very much swings and roundabouts being a superhero.

"No you don't understand. I had a visitation from Michael Jackson and he said these glasses are good for my chakra" © AFP/Getty Images

Saturday, 12th February
It was a false alarm, folks. KP is not quitting! Earlier in the week, tabloid newspapers alleged that he was about to retire from Twitter altogether in order to spend more time playing cricket. But today he confirmed that his commitment to regularly updating the world on the tedious minutiae of his life remains as strong as ever.

Despite a recent decline in the quality of his Tweets, few would contest that at his best he remains one of the most prolific Twits around. And ahead of the World Cup he has been putting in the hard yards with Stephen Fry in an attempt to widen his vocabulary and develop a more tactful Twitter technique.

“Stephen’s got a lot of good ideas, considering how old and fat he is. I’ve taken a lot of his advice on board and to thank him for his help, KP is determined to be twice as good a Twitterer than what he will ever be.”

Sunday, 13th February
World Cup co-hosts Bangladesh are leaving nothing to chance. Having eradicated beggars from the streets, slapped a curfew on motorists with tatty cars and arrested shop owners who refuse to repaint their premises in the tournament brand colours (aquamarine, tangerine and mauve) they are putting the finishing touches to their preparations by having Dhaka relocated. A government spokesman explained:

“We found that the view from some of the better hotels would be slightly more pleasant if the city was positioned about 100 yards to the right.”

Builders have begun demolishing the entire city and moving it down the road where it will be rebuilt brick-by-brick in a far more salubrious location. Dhaka residents will be rehoused for the duration in a comfortable tented village area a mere 200 miles away, where they will be able to keep in touch with the World Cup by listening to their official World Cup radios (on sale now at just $2000 apiece!).

Monday, 14th February
Ricky is back and has wasted little time in hitting his grumbling straps, getting in some quality whingeing about the state of Indian soil. Apparently it gets quite dry out there, on account of the sun. Yes, it’s true, and what’s more, when Indian soil is dry it can go all weird and cracky and these cracks make it easier for spiners to make the ball spin, which is pretty damn unfair as Australia haven’t brought any spinners with them.

In the same game Sreesanth demonstrated that he’s still got it, though no one is entirely sure what it is or whether he shouldn’t get it looked at. After failing to get the Australian captain out, Sreesanth stood in the middle of the pitch calling him names before attempting a Vulcan salute whilst moonwalking back to his mark. MS Dhoni defended Sree, saying that unpredictable idiocy was an integral part of his game and if you took that away from him, he wouldn’t be half as much fun at parties.

And Sree isn’t the only pace bowler hitting the headlines. Australia’s blondest billboard has been whetting our appetite for the feast of cricket ahead by telling us all about an exciting new development that will transform our enjoyment of the game and inspire millions of youngsters to try to be like their hero. I’m talking about the Castrol Ratings, produced by Castrol, the lubricant salesmen. What’s that, Brett?

“Their initiatives in the digital space are really innovative.”

Yes, thanks, Brett, most informative. With a down-to-earth comment like that you’ve certainly put an end to those rumours that you were long ago replaced by a sponsored android with impossibly white dental fittings. But this nasty little dribble of corporate gobbledegook isn’t the worst of it. Apparently Brett and his band, the Ill-Fitting Jeans have recorded a song that will be played at every World Cup match.

Oh, the humanity.

"Er no, Kevin, she's not the lady who wrote about the witches and goblins" © Getty Images

Tuesday, 8th February
Today we learned of another well-meaning, if misguided, attempt to employ cricketers as a force for good, this time to persuade people to read more. I’m not sure this is going to work. Frankly the news that Tamim Iqbal wants to be Harry Potter is unlikely to get me popping into my local branch of Books, Books, Books to contribute to JK Rowling’s yacht fund, though it might cause me to give the chap a wide berth if I met him at a party.

Perhaps the biggest mistake of all was inviting a Mr Pietersen to get involved. As he reviewed some of the classics of the English language, he kept us up to date via Twitter. This, for example, is what he had to say about Pride and Prejudice:

“Sum woman from the old days talking s*&t about bonnets and stuff!!!!”

This was his verdict on Martin Amis’s seminal 1980s work Money:

“Blokes a muppet!!! Noes nothing about money!!! He’s not even a millionair!!!”

and this on 1984 by George Orwell:

“B*())(ks!!!! It wasn’t like that in ’84, cos I was there!!!!”

He did, though, find one classic worth recommending:

“Just finished Spot the Dog Goes to the Dentist, Brilliant! Red it in one go!!! Deff takin it to India to read on plane!!!”

Other cricket figures to have boarded the literary train were Lalit Modi, who for some reason was drawn to The Ballad of Reading Gaol by Oscar Wilde; Ijaz Butt, who recommended The Da Vinci Code as a must for fans of conspiracies; and one Bob Willis. Mr Willis was not impressed with Bob Willis’ autobiography, complaining that he found it entirely predictable, trite, riddled with cliché and that the author simply wasn’t up to international standard.

Wednesday, 9th February
Jaded and exhausted, the only team ever to play a one-day series before a World Cup staggered off business class at Heathrow earlier today. It’s been a long old tour. Frankly I am jaded and exhausted from reading about how the England team are jaded and exhausted. The sheer number of self-pitying tweets, whining comments and sympathetic articles from sycophantic journalists has taken its toll. There is no other word for it. I’m jaded. And exhausted.

But I did find time to do a little post-tour research. I counted the number of articles about exhaustion and plotted them on a graph, and in the process made a remarkable discovery. There was a direct correlation between the number of one-day defeats England suffered on the one hand and the volume of material declaring that they were exhausted on the other. Interestingly the graph shows exactly the opposite slope to the one from four years ago, when articles outlining the importance of one-day cricket increased exponentially as England neared the final. And no one mentioned burnout.

Friday, 11th February
As Donald Rumsfeld might put it, there are things we know we know and there are things we know we don’t know. We know, for example, that South Africa will depart the World Cup at a stage just prior to the final and that they will do so in a manner that is either inexplicable, hilarious or both. We just don’t know exactly how yet.

AB de Villiers doesn’t agree. He thinks that he and his chums are “the opposite of chokers”. The Opposite of Chokers is an excellent title for the book that will have to be written if South Africa do win. Which they won’t. My money is on a runaway elephant demolishing Billy Bowden in the semi-final and the men in sweaty green being eliminated under the new Pachyderm Intrusion Regulations.

KP is apoplectic when he finds his sunblock is only SPF 100 © Getty Images

Wednesday, 1st December
Kevin Pietersen is the latest victim of an unpleasant illness predominantly affecting highly paid sportspeople and celebrities. Known as “Marie Antoinette Syndrome”, the condition initially causes an inflammation of the pomposity gland and if left untreated, can result in a complete breakdown of the patient’s sense of proportion.

Antoinette sufferers are usually advised to keep away from social media but unfortunately, KP’s illness was not diagnosed immediately and his Twitter outburst concerning the nets in Adelaide was followed by a series of Antoinette episodes. There was, for example, this Tweet, from the dining room of the Plaza Hotel:

“F***** Lafitte 89!!! Wot kind of muppet serves an 89??? Evry1 noes the 89 tastes like dishwater!!! Amateurs! Had to send back the Hollondays sauce 2!!!”

and this from the fitting room of Mr Lee’s Posh Suit Emporium:

“Yep, muppets! Tryed to sell me a dubble-breasted jacket!!! Who thaf*** wares that? And the shoes had tassels on em!!!! F***** colonial f******”

and finally this from Tubby Taylor’s Tea Shop:

“F***** muppet waitress!!!! $2 an hour and she can’t even make tea!!!! Unblveble!!! You got to warm the pot 1st love!!!!! F****** Australians!!! Amateurs!!!!”

Fortunately, doctors believe that they have got to him in time and he is currently resting with a gag in his mouth and a padlock on his Blackberry. Get well soon KP!

Thursday, 2nd December
Cricket Kenya has a splendid new logo and not before time. The state of Cricket Kenya’s previous logo had been the cause of much anguish on the streets of Nairobi. How can we go on as a nation, people were asking, with such a boring cricket badge?
Like any small cricket country, if they were to have any chance of securing Test status, they urgently needed to spend thousands of dollars on a rebranding exercise.

So, out goes the boring old lion with the red, black and green face and in comes the exciting new logo; based around a lion theme with a red, green and black facial motif.
Still, you do have to have some sympathy for the advertising executives charged with titivating the CK badge. They were given the baffling instruction to produce “something contagious”. Having considered producing a logo based on the chemical composition of the flu virus, they clearly thought, “Nah, let’s just do another lion.”

Friday, 3rd December
It’s official. There are no more products out there for cricketers to endorse. Today we heard news that MS Dhoni is lending his name to the last available unendorsed comestible good in the world, the Kendal Mint Cake produced by Mr and Mrs Trelawney of Ye Olde Village Shoppe, Market Street, Kendal, Cumbria. Dhoni is apparently a big fan of the peppermint-flavoured product and will be photographed snacking on it at nightclubs and handing it around on the pavilion balcony.

And the next generation of celebrity cricket endorsements is already here. We understand that next week, MS will officially endorse his fellow countryman Yuvraj Singh. By becoming Yuvi’s brand ambassador, the Indian captain will have to spread the word about Yuvi wherever he goes, wear an “I Love Yuvi” baseball cap, be seen with him at parties and, of course, promote Yuvi at selection meetings.

“It’s the way of the future,” said Yuvi’s agent, “Besides, as Indian captain, MS has already been unofficially endorsing Jadeja for months, so it’s just the next step.”

Baz and Jesse are impressed when Coney correctly guesses that their faces look red not because of the Indian heat but because of an accident with Dan's DIY make-up kit © AFP

Saturday, 6th November
Twenty-four hours have passed since we last heard from the lad from Pietermaritzburg, so to put that right, here’s KP. What’s happening Kevin?

“I’m on fire right now.”

Don’t panic. He isn’t really smouldering at the edges. He means, “I’m playing really well.” He’s talking in the dialect known as “sportsman”, you see. Still perhaps he’s missing an endorsement opportunity: KP’s Asbestos Trousers. “They keep me safe even when I’m on fire.” Or maybe not.

But even if you’re not married to him, you’ve got to love KP. Firstly, he offers us quotes like this:

“I play like a clown.”

To English ears, that kind of soothing self-deprecation is like a hot mug of cocoa in front of a roaring fire. It makes us feel warm and cosy. Because I too play like a clown and so do all the people I have ever taken to a cricket field with. A proper South African could never say something like that, at least not in public.

And, secondly, he can conjure up profound statements like this:

“I have been working really hard over the last six weeks to get to a place where I am at the moment.”

By which he means Perth, presumably.

Sunday, 7th November
If the PCB were an animal, it would be a lion. It spends most of its time asleep, then wakes to indulge itself in an afternoon of over-the-top savagery before sinking back into a contented slumber. Having done next to nothing for months, this most bi-polar of cricket boards has now begun to lash out in a familiar flurry of edicts, bans, punishments and extra-large stationery requests.

As we all know, the path to a corruption-free sport is paved with good regulations. So, taking his inspiration from the Code of Hammurabi, Mr Butt has listed 271 rules to which the Pakistan touring squad must adhere, on pain of an immediate double-life ban (a new level of punishment introduced just in case one of the life bans is overturned). Here is a taster of the new regime for the men in green:

“…Rule 17: And no player shall permit even a single hair on his head to exceed the length stipulated in the anti-corruption regulations, since it is a well known fact that the longer your hair, the naughtier you are likely to be. The team barber (Mr Afzal of Krazy Kuts, Lahore) will be on hand throughout the tour with his scissors and his PCB comb and has been given licence to snip at will.

Rule 18: We do not want to stop players having fun or talking to people. But unfortunately, we have no choice. You have all shown yourselves to be hopeless judges of character so from now on, all potential friends, hangers-on, casual acquaintances, girlfriends and squash partners must obtain an Informal Relationship Clearance Certificate from the Ministry of Elderly Aunts.

Rule 19: Never forget, my players, that when you pull on those dark green blazers, you are representing something bigger than yourselves. You are representing me. I am your master, that is why my portrait has been embroidered onto the breast pocket of your blazers and that is why you will wear them at all times, even in the shower…”

Monday, 8th November
Few teams have you flicking through the cricketers’ Who’s Who more often than New Zealand, but after five days of intensive study, I am now fully up to date in the matter of Watling, Williamson and Bennett. Of course, the real New Zealand stars are beyond the boundary. Whereas Twenty20 Danny Morrison is an egregious squawking parrot, Test match Morrison is a wise bird who makes fewer but more interesting noises. And then there is Jeremy Coney.

Quite simply, the man is box office. Quirky, unpredictable and prone to outbursts of genius, he comes across like a particularly brilliant detective. He deserves his own series. Watch Inspector Coney as he solves such fiendish riddles as “The Affair of McCullum’s Missing Runs”, “The Strange Disappearance then Reappearance then Disappearance of Tim Southee” and his toughest case yet, “The Curious Incident of the Empty Whisky Bottle in the Nightclub.”

“Elementary, my dear Jesse. Just blow into this breathalyzer please…”

“... And Trotty’s got his car painted. It only took four years too” © Getty Images

Saturday, 23rd October
Flicking wearily through the “Ashes Hype” pull-out section of my daily newspaper, I came across an interesting quote from Professor DK Lillee, of the Perth Institute for Biological Sciences, who has claimed that Nathan Hauritz is “still evolving”. He is confident that by November 25th, Hauritz will have grown an extra thick forefinger (to help him spin the ball) a bat-like echo location system (to help him locate a good length) and the roar of a lion (to deter vultures and Steven Smith).

Sunday 24th October
As a keen conservationist I was delighted upon tuning in to today’s game from the Nehru Stadium to find that the ground authorities had, by clever use of tarpaulins, arranged a network of lakes, ponds and puddles, clearly designed to encourage the endangered Goan Crested Newt. I spent many happy minutes watching live footage of the water features and listening to the distinctive sounds of the locale, such as the haunting mating call of the wild vuvuzela and the distant crash of a collapsing sightscreen.

Monday, 25th October
There are only 30 press conferences to go until the start of the Ashes and on today’s agenda was Andy Flower, who told a packed assembly of desperate hacks that he expected great things from Kevin Pietersen this winter. In response to a shouted question to “say something interesting that we can use” the England coach followed up his opening remarks by revealing that Alastair Cook had recently had to renew his car tax and that Graeme Swann had had two sausages for breakfast.

He also had to apologise for KP’s absence. The man himself had a prior commitment launching a range of exciting products designed to penetrate new markets as yet untouched by the magic of KP. This Christmas, consumers around the world can look forward to the KP yak-pacifier, the KP luau firelighters, the KP ice-fishing rod and the KP llama poop-scooper. For Ashes couch potatoes, there will also be a new KP beer (shiny can, exciting bouquet, goes flat after a while) and a KP corkscrew, specially designed to make things easy for left-handers.

Meanwhile the UN has expressed concerns that prolonged exposure to pointless Ashes speculation may have negative side effects. Governments around the globe are reporting a dramatic increase in cricket-related ennui, and in China today, several people were arrested trying to deface a 20-foot high poster of Jimmy Anderson. Psychiatrists are also warning of the dangers of an epidemic of post-Brisbane depression when viewers realise that neither of the teams involved is particularly good.

Tuesday, 26th October
The IPL continues to break new ground, even in the realm of boardroom feuds. In an attempt to outdo the internal squabbles at Liverpool FC, the Kochi franchise has become the first sporting club to fall out with itself without ever having put a team onto the field. Nevertheless they are hopeful of being ready in time for the IPL’s Contraction Season 2011 and have already launched their logo. The emblem of the Kochi Calamaties features a pair of bickering elephants rampant, holding court papers in their trunks and carrying enormous sacks of golden coins on their backs.

PIetersen: off someplace where he'll feel really loved, red armband and all © Getty Images

Wednesday September 8th
It appears that a man who was born in one country but now plays for another will be going back to the first country to play a couple of games. This apparently innocuous piece of news has been to certain sections of the cricket public as a fluttering red handkerchief is to a caged bull. Before you could say “massive overreaction”, hundreds of fingers across two hemispheres were tapping out the word “traitor”. There was no consensus amongst the internet bile purveyors as to which nation he was betraying, but they were united in their conviction that treachery was afoot.

The general public have a strange relationship with Mr Kevin Pietersen. Apparently rational people talk freely of his personality flaws despite the fact that they have not so much as shared a “good morning” with him, let alone had a peek at his MI5 file. They float the idea of dropping him from the Test team, presumably so that someone less talented can replace him. Anyway, isn’t having two games on Australian-style pitches whilst getting used the Kookaburra ball rather a good idea? Adequate preparation for an Ashes series? Clearly the man has learnt nothing about Englishness.

Thursday September 9th
Whether you are Archduke Franz Ferdinand out for a pleasant afternoon drive through the streets of Sarajevo or an international cricketer having a chat in a hotel bar with a man whose trilby keeps making odd whirring noises, no one likes to be caught unawares. Yet all morning I had an odd sense of foreboding. Like a Martian standing at the crease watching Michael Holding mark his run-up, I had the vague impression that something was going to happen for which I should be prepared; I just didn’t know what it was.

And then it hit me. A passing newspaper delivery boy had propelled in my direction my copy of Pointless Twenty20 Tournaments Monthly. Regaining my feet, I picked up the glossy publication to see on the cover a photograph of Kieron Pollard and Ross Taylor counting enormous piles of cash. Of course! It was Champions League time!

Having hurriedly flicked through the magazine to find out which team Dwayne Bravo was playing for this week, I began the tricky business of choosing a side to follow. I was tempted by the Wayamba Elevens (although it turns out, disappointingly, that they are only allowed to field one XI), but in the end I went for the men from the Caribbean, who in a world of Warriors and Bushrangers have chosen to retain their dignity and remain simply Guyana when they could so easily have become Gum Chewers, Goatherds or Googlies.

Friday September 10th
I know some people feel that sledging is the very essence of manliness but personally I find there are few spectacles more pathetic on a cricket field than grown men calling each other names. Today it was little Johnnie Trott causing trouble. He said that Kamran’s little brother wore green lipstick and then Kamran said that Johnnie’s baseball cap came from a charity shop and that anyway he threw like a girl. Fortunately Headmaster Doctrove was on hand to threaten them both with the withdrawal of their sweetie allowance and another ugly playground incident was averted.